We need to have a heart-to-heart. I know you’re hitting some big developmental milestones, but I have a few concerns about your recent antics that we should discuss.
Just last night, you managed to remove your diaper with such force that a nugget of poop flew across the room and hit me square in the chest. Not going to lie, that was quite the surprise, and I’m still perplexed about how it even occurred. I get that you want to do things “by yourself,” but I’ve never launched my poop at you, so I think it’s reasonable to request that this doesn’t happen again.
Epic Meltdowns
Now, let’s chat about those epic meltdowns. What’s going on there? This can’t be normal. I’ve heard of something called PMS (preschool meltdown syndrome) — I swear I didn’t just make that up! Life as a toddler can be tough, but is it really necessary to flop onto the ground like a bowl of mashed potatoes every time things don’t go your way?
I apologize for not allowing you to play in the oven. I know, I’m the worst. Maybe when you’re older… but let’s be real, I can’t let you live on fruit snacks and massive chunks of cheese. If I did, you might never poop again, and then what would you throw at me? Just something to ponder.
Sleep Situation
We also need to tackle your sleep situation — it’s quite the disaster. There’s absolutely no reason to swap stuffed animals in the middle of the night. They’re just stuffed toys and don’t have feelings! I, on the other hand, do have feelings, and when you wake me up at 3 a.m. refusing to get back in bed, the primary feeling I have is frustration.
Pants Policy
And about those pants… or rather, the absence of them. I get it; pants aren’t the most comfortable. However, they are mandatory when we go out in public. Moving forward, let’s avoid any arguments about pants — it’s a non-negotiable topic. If we’re at home, feel free to run around like the little gazelle you are. I’ll happily join your no-pants party!
Screen Time
Lastly, while I’m not strict about screen time, your viewing habits are pushing me to my limits. Seventeen consecutive episodes of Paw Patrol? That’s just excessive! There’s no one left to save in Adventure Bay; those pups are just showing off at this point.
So, my little munchkin, it’s time for some changes. How about we sort this out over a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos? You can start as the blue one, then switch to the yellow one, and ultimately end up playing with the orange hippo. Whatever we do, we need to figure something out together.
I love you dearly, but I can’t keep peeling you off the floor or dragging you out of restaurants while you scream because your juice was too juicy.
Looking forward to your thoughts,
Mommy