I recently came across an intriguing piece by Samantha Lee in the New York Times, which criticized the label “deliberate single mother,” suggesting that it creates an unnecessary hierarchy among single mothers and implies that some are more valid than others. While Samantha’s arguments are compelling, I believe they overlook the diverse experiences of many women.
Traditionally, the term has been linked predominantly to affluent, heterosexual white women who utilize their resources to pursue motherhood independently. This association can come across as elitist and fails to recognize the stories of queer women, women of color, and those from low-income backgrounds who also choose to parent alone. For me, identifying as a deliberate single mother is a powerful statement of my autonomy and reproductive rights in a world that often undervalues black motherhood, especially when it comes to single mothers.
At 34, I made the decision to become pregnant while thriving in my career as a director at a prominent research institution. I understood that there would always be obstacles—whether career commitments, financial strains, or my living situation—but I refused to let those deter me. My social life previously revolved around late-night gatherings with friends at a cozy bar we jokingly called “the conference room,” and I vividly remember their shock when I declared my intention to pursue motherhood solo. “Are you certain?” they asked, to which I confidently replied, “Absolutely.”
By Valentine’s Day 2010, I was pregnant with twins thanks to IVF, an often prohibitive process for many, particularly women of color and those with limited financial means. During my visits to the Reproductive Health Center at a local university and in prenatal classes, I often found myself as the only single attendee among couples, with few women of color around. Yet, I remained unbothered, buoyed by my doctor’s encouraging words, reminiscent of the iconic “We Can Do It” spirit.
As my pregnancy progressed, a friend raised concerns about how I might be perceived as a young, single black mother, hinting at societal stereotypes that often depict us as irresponsible or dependent. I brushed off her worries; I had little concern for others’ opinions. My upbringing by a single mother had taught me that many of these narratives surrounding black single mothers, regardless of the circumstances, were far from the truth.
In conversations, I frequently encountered assumptions about my marital status, my job flexibility, and expectations around maternity leave. The implications of these questions highlighted the societal barriers still present regarding women’s choices in motherhood. When asked about my husband, I took pleasure in answering honestly, watching as the person grappled with their assumptions. “No need to apologize,” I’d say, “I’m proud of my choices.”
I embrace the term “deliberate single mother” because it challenges conventional ideas about who can become a mother and how. This choice does not set me apart from other single mothers, especially those facing economic hardships; rather, it unites us in our shared journey into motherhood.
In honor of my inspirations—Jasmine Hart, Claire Evans, and Mia Thompson—I celebrate this path I’ve chosen.
For those interested in exploring home insemination options, you can find more information about resources and fertility solutions at Make a Mom’s Fertility Booster for Men and UCSF’s IVF resources. Additionally, you might want to check our terms and conditions at Intracervical Insemination.
Summary
This piece reflects on the personal journey of identifying as a deliberate single mother, addressing the societal implications of the label while advocating for the stories of all mothers, regardless of background or circumstances. It challenges stereotypes and affirms the value of diverse motherhood experiences.