My two sons have a collection of toys that could be mistaken for a small armory. Their assortment includes an endless variety of swords, blasters, lightsabers, axes, and even what they call “pirate swords.” They often engage in epic battles, mostly clashing their toys against each other, though sometimes they aim for each other’s foreheads. When my aunt, who isn’t used to being around children, came to visit, she was met with a whirlwind of sword fights and high-flying couch jumps. She quickly began searching for hotels nearby.
“What did she expect? That they would sit quietly and color?” I asked my partner. “My sister and I did that, but I guess that was before she spent time around kids. Did she imagine they’d behave like girls?”
I didn’t mean to imply anything negative. I fully recognize that girls can wield swords, jump off furniture, and engage in rough play just as boys do. Girls can excel in sports, wear whatever they like, and pursue any interests they choose. I believe my sons should also have the freedom to choose their own paths. However, the cultural narratives from the 1970s and 80s led us to believe that boys and girls were interchangeable simply because they could wear the same colors or play the same games. The notion that all differences stemmed from upbringing was misleading.
And it turns out, that notion isn’t accurate.
You might have believed it, as I once did. I made an effort to provide my sons with dolls and stuffed animals, but they showed little interest. Instead, they often used the dolls as makeshift tools while constructing forts, dragging them around by their feet. Despite being nurtured by their father and surrounded by love, their inclination isn’t towards nurturing pretend babies. They’d rather toss a doll than care for it. My experiences echo those of many boys I know, all raised by open-minded parents who wouldn’t bat an eye if their sons wore dresses. While my observations may be anecdotal, scientific evidence supports this perspective as well.
According to Live Science, many scientists agree that the differences between male and female brains are largely innate. “We do socialize our boys and girls differently, but biology plays a significant role,” says Dr. Helen Martinez, a psychology professor at Riverside University. Having studied gender cognition for many years, she emphasizes that while nurture matters, nature does too. Research suggests that male brains are often wired for motor skills—think of it as “roughhousing”—while female brains tend to combine analytical and intuitive processes, which may lead to more artistic pursuits.
This isn’t to say that boys can’t be artistic or that girls can’t be rambunctious. My 3-year-old loves to draw and can spend hours doing so. Similarly, I recall being quite the little troublemaker myself. However, these general tendencies can influence how children behave.
Further studies support the idea that women typically excel in verbal memory and social intelligence, while men often have stronger motor and spatial skills. This disparity is evident in language development; boys often talk later than girls and may use fewer words as they grow. We all know that chatty little girl and the boy whose responses are mostly grunts—my sons certainly went through that phase!
Interestingly, girls are typically better at reading emotions, according to What to Expect. A review of over 100 studies found that girls tend to excel at interpreting emotions from facial expressions. This ability might explain why girls are often perceived as better-behaved—they can gauge their caregivers’ emotions more effectively and respond accordingly. Boys, on the other hand, might miss these cues and not realize when it’s time to behave. Of course, this is a generalization; I’ve seen boys who are incredibly well-behaved and girls who can be quite the handful. Yet, research consistently shows that, from kindergarten onward, girls often display better social skills and achieve higher grades. This is influenced by both social factors and biology.
Indeed, we often treat boys and girls differently in parenting. We are more likely to hand boys a football than a doll and may have different expectations for their behavior. Ultimately, though, there are inherent biological differences between little boys and girls. My sons gravitate towards shows like Dinotrux and Dinosaur Train instead of My Little Pony, not for lack of trying on my part; they simply prefer what they like. They have a higher tendency to engage in physical play rather than artistic expression, while the girls I know often excel at understanding emotions far better than they do. At one point, I thought I must have been doing something wrong. I wasn’t—it was just biology at work.
So, progressive parents can breathe a sigh of relief if their sons use baby dolls as projectiles and their daughters tuck toy trucks into bed. We can provide both swords and princess outfits, but in the end, boys will likely gravitate towards the swords, and girls will favor the dresses. And that’s perfectly okay.
For more insights on topics related to parenting, you might enjoy exploring our other blog posts, such as this one on home insemination.
Summary:
This article discusses the balance between progressive parenting and acknowledging the biological differences between boys and girls. While many parents strive to raise their children without gender stereotypes, research indicates that some behavioral differences are innate. Boys often engage in physical play and have different emotional processing than girls, who may excel in social skills and verbal communication. Ultimately, children will gravitate towards their interests, and understanding these differences can help alleviate parental guilt.