When life is truly wonderful, you’d think I’d simply revel in it. However, I found myself doing quite the opposite and discovered I’m not alone in this struggle. It’s comforting to know that many people share similar feelings.
I’m blessed with a loving, fun, and devoted partner, three amazing kids, a safe home, plenty of food, and good health. In essence, I have it all. I should be one happy, content individual. But amidst all this joy, I grapple with unsettling thoughts. For years, I’ve kept these feelings bottled up, worried about how others might perceive me. I refer to these thoughts as “intrusions” that strike at the most inconvenient times. They often follow this simple pattern:
- I am incredibly fortunate and blessed.
- Something terrible is going to happen to my family.
I see the sadness and misfortune that others face, and while I’m enjoying life, I can’t shake the feeling that disaster is lurking close by. Instead of celebrating my blessings, I found myself bracing for something negative, as if I was just waiting for the inevitable shoe to drop.
This fear reached its peak one New Year’s Day. My family gathered at my parents’ house, and after dinner, my mom called me in a tone that sent chills down my spine—using my full name, the way she did when I was in trouble as a child. I rushed upstairs to find her holding my 2-year-old son, Ben, who looked completely unresponsive. Panic flooded through me as I yelled for someone to call 911. As I cradled him, I felt him go limp in my arms.
My first thought was that he was choking, so I attempted to clear his airway and gave him some back blows—nothing worked. I laid him on the floor, and his skin turned a grayish hue. At that moment, I was convinced I was losing him. I started CPR, feeling utterly helpless as I begged him to stay with me. My father was shouting at the dispatcher to hurry, while my other children stood nearby, terrified and sobbing.
Just when I thought all hope was lost, Ben blinked his eyes. I scooped him back up, and as I cleared his mouth again, he gagged, a sound I will always remember as the most beautiful noise I’ve ever heard. Help arrived just in time. As it turned out, he had a febrile seizure due to a rapid spike in fever—something I had never anticipated. Thankfully, he’s back to his lively self now, though I still find myself checking his temperature frequently, just to be safe.
This harrowing experience has left me traumatized, and I’m working through the feelings that linger. The flashbacks are becoming less frequent, and the dark cloud that hovered over me has started to lift. It’s a process, but with time and possibly some support, I know I will heal.
Through this ordeal, I’ve gained a crucial insight. Life doesn’t operate on the premise that happiness comes with a catch. I had convinced myself that joy was somehow linked to impending doom. This backward thinking instilled fear that kept me from fully embracing the good around me. Now, with a newfound awareness of life’s fragility, I’m committed to savoring every moment and truly appreciating my blessings.
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In summary, I’ve learned to embrace my blessings wholeheartedly, letting go of the fear that something terrible might overshadow my joy.