I have a confession: being a stay-at-home mom is not my cup of tea. Reflecting on my journey, I’m not sure what I envisioned six years ago when my son was born. At that time, I was a speech therapist working with elderly patients in nursing homes. I promised my colleagues I would return after four months, but deep down, I had my doubts. Once my son turned three months old, I felt completely unprepared to leave him and thought it best to resign, planning to return once he turned one.
Surprise! Just nine months later, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Going back to work for just six months before leaving again felt unrealistic, so I decided to give my daughter the same year that I had given my son.
Fast forward to my daughter’s first birthday, and it became clear that my son was quite different from other kids. He exhibited signs of undiagnosed ADHD and sensory processing issues, making him a handful. I had to keep a constant watch on him, fearing for both his safety and that of his sister. He was the kind of child who could turn a well-babyproofed house into chaos in a matter of moments. I became his version of babyproofing.
As time went on, this constant vigilance took its toll. I wasn’t comfortable leaving him with anyone else, as I felt responsible for managing his behavior. If he misbehaved at the park, I needed to be there to handle the aftermath. I know how overwhelming it was to manage two toddlers, and perhaps in the back of my mind, I was also anxious about re-entering the workforce after years away. This apprehension served as a convenient excuse.
When my son started kindergarten last year, life became a tad easier. However, I had grown increasingly discontented, and the idea of returning to a job that didn’t fulfill me felt unbearable. I had always dreamed of being a mother, yet after soul-searching, I realized that the stay-at-home mom life wasn’t for me. It took me six long years to come to terms with that realization. I had always thought that parenthood was supposed to be fulfilling, but for me, it just wasn’t enough.
Recently, we scrimped and saved to hire a babysitter, and for the first time in six years, I had some support. Over the past few months, I have felt rejuvenated. I decided to pursue a lifelong dream by applying to graduate school for a master’s in mental health counseling. I begin classes tomorrow, and I couldn’t be more excited.
Of course, in true life fashion, my babysitter is on vacation for two weeks starting now. My mother is stepping in to help with the kids while I attend class. We were discussing the schedule when she asked, “Will you be home before J [my husband]?”
“No, I’ll be home around 9:30 PM because I have a board meeting for my volunteer work right after class,” I replied.
“How are the kids handling all this, Emma?” she asked in that “I’m concerned but trying not to judge” tone.
“They’ll be just fine. They want me to be happy, and staying at home all day didn’t make me happy. They have had me to themselves for six years—now it’s my turn.”
Her change of subject was her way of signaling that she didn’t agree but didn’t want to debate it. In her view, a mother’s priority is to be home, regardless of her happiness. “Children are supposed to bring joy to a mother’s life, so why aren’t you just happy?” she seemed to think.
I couldn’t disagree more. I have been there for my kids and will continue to be. I love them dearly, but I realized that I was merely going through the motions. I wasn’t the vibrant parent they deserved; I was just a shell of myself.
I dislike being a stay-at-home mom, constantly catering to my children and household. Running them from one activity to another and watching them play with friends can be draining. I get bored with pretend play after just a few minutes; please don’t make me serve fake food to an imaginary family again! I am done pleading for them to eat their dinners—standing over them, urging them to take just one more bite. I can’t keep doing it.
Admitting this makes me feel guilty, like I’m failing as a mother. However, I need to do things that stimulate me outside of parenting. I believe that being happy makes me a better parent. I love my children and find immense joy in them, but that joy multiplies when I engage in activities beyond mothering.
Tomorrow, I’m turning our family dynamics upside down for my own happiness. Some might wonder why I had kids if I didn’t want to care for them full-time. The honesty is, I do feel selfish. But I also realize that true happiness is essential for me to be the best mom I can be. I’m dedicated to them just as much as I was when I was home all day. I want them to know it’s never too late to follow dreams, and I’m committed to creating the happiest environment for them. I will always be their mom, ready to love and support them, no matter what.
In conclusion, embracing my journey back to school signifies a new chapter in my life, one where I can balance motherhood with my aspirations. For anyone interested in more information about home insemination and fertility resources, check out this excellent guide on IVF or find out more about boosting fertility as well as insights on intracervical insemination.