Things You Absolutely Shouldn’t Do Before Mom’s Coffee Kicks In

self insemination kit

Dear Beloved Offspring,

By now, you’ve likely grasped that your mother is not exactly a morning person. For your own well-being, I’ve put together this handy list of actions to avoid before I’ve had my precious coffee. (Ah, the sweet elixir that transforms my groggy state into one of semi-functionality!) If you choose to ignore this list, I can’t guarantee your safety. You have been warned.

1. Please, No Elephantine Stomping!
   I swear, it’s as if a herd of woolly mammoths is charging through the house first thing in the morning! The noise levels produced by you, my beloved children, are beyond comprehension.
2. Skip the Breakfast Inquisition.
   You are not toddlers anymore. I relinquish any responsibility for breakfast; I fed you dinner less than 12 hours ago! Feel free to forage for cold pizza or last night’s leftovers if necessary.
3. Questions? Not Right Now!
   Please refrain from asking if you can stay over at a friend’s house or if you can have a puppy. The answer is a resounding “No!” and I promise you, I will not be answering any random trivia or math questions either. Best to save those until I’m fully awake.
4. No TV Before Coffee!
   I simply cannot handle the likes of Caillou or any Disney characters before I’ve had my dose of caffeine. Trust me, it’s better for all involved!
5. Keep the Noises to a Minimum.
   No whistling, humming, or anything else that could drive me to the brink. Save the beatboxing and the loud chewing for later, please.
6. Don’t Bring Me Your Drama.
   Resist the urge to tell me about your brother’s supposed injustices or any other sibling disputes. It’s best to keep the peace until I am sufficiently caffeinated.
7. No Friends Allowed!
   While I realize your pals might want to visit on weekends, I can’t have anyone witness the chaos that is your mother pre-coffee. Plus, having friends around tends to amplify the noise level—see point 5.
8. Don’t Peek Over My Shoulder!
   If you think checking how far along I am with my coffee will help, think again! Just don’t do it; it will only annoy me and delay my caffeine intake.

Fear not, Sweet Children, for once I’ve had my coffee—usually just one cup, but two if it’s been a long night—I will return to my usual patient and loving self. Just grant me a few moments of peace to gather my mental energy for the day ahead. Thank you for your understanding and cooperation!

With Love,
Your Uncaffeinated Yet Caring Mother

For more insights on parenting and family life, check out our other blog posts at Intracervical Insemination. If you’re looking for expert advice on home insemination, Cryobaby is a fantastic resource. And for comprehensive information about pregnancy and home insemination, visit ASRM.

In summary, mornings can be tricky for moms before they’ve had their coffee. A little understanding can go a long way in keeping the household running smoothly until the caffeine kicks in.