By Lila Monroe
It was one of those sweltering days where the heat clung to you like a heavy blanket, leaving me drenched in sweat even while standing still. After my fifth cold shower, I felt only fleeting relief. At 4:30 p.m., the sun continued to blaze mercilessly. I had a plan: pick up the kids from school, drop off their things at home, and then head to the grocery store, since dinner was looking bleak.
When I spotted my 5-year-old son outside his classroom, his cheeks were flushed, and his damp hair clung to his forehead. “Let’s go to the pool!” he exclaimed. Normally, on a day this hot, we would have gone for a swim. “Not today, sweetie. We need to go to the supermarket. There’s nothing for dinner,” I replied.
Suddenly, his expression twisted with frustration, and he stomped away, grumbling about the heat and how we should swim instead. “If you’re hot, how about a cool shower when we get home?” I suggested. “No!” he shouted. Things escalated quickly as he yelled, “I hate you! You’re so mean! You’re a bad parent!”
I tried to stay calm as we reached the school gate. I attempted to reason with him, explaining that I was hot too, but we had to prioritize dinner. He wasn’t having any of it and continued to argue. I decided to walk further down the road for some privacy before trying to talk again.
I felt lost on how to handle the situation. It seemed pointless to make my point when he was so upset, but I didn’t want to walk home with him in a huff. We paused, and I quietly looked at him before saying, “Tough day at school?”
Like a cloud lifting, his demeanor softened. “Yeah.” A classmate had been rude, ignoring him when he spoke, which hurt his feelings. “That’s unfair. I’d be annoyed too,” I replied empathetically. He then shared that he wanted to show me something exciting he had learned at the pool that morning. “I’d love to see that! But can you see why we need to go to the supermarket?” I asked. “Yes, or we won’t have dinner,” he responded, free of any sass.
Without any prompting, he offered, “How about we go swimming tomorrow, and I can show you what I learned? Also, can we fill the tub with cold water so I can cool off while you cook?” I was taken aback by his ability to suggest a solution. Here’s what that moment taught me:
1. It’s All About Understanding and Empathy
In the heat of anger, I wanted to shout, “It’s not all about you!” But in reality, it truly was. When I finally acknowledged his feelings and listened, he was able to diffuse his anger. Dr. John Gottman, known for his extensive research on relationships and parenting, emphasizes that understanding and empathy make up 95% of problem-solving. I was amazed that by simply being present, he figured out a solution himself.
2. Managing Emotional Overwhelm
One day at the park, my son and daughter were having a blast until lunchtime approached. I told them it was time to head home, and my daughter exclaimed, “But you said we’d go to the library!” I reminded her that we spent most of our morning at the playground. Her frustration boiled over, and she kicked her brother. I reacted impulsively, dragging her to a bench and scolding her. The irony didn’t escape me. I had “flipped my lid,” as Dr. Dan Siegel describes it, losing my ability to think clearly when emotions overwhelmed me.
3. The Power of Repairing Relationships
After my outburst, I immediately apologized, acknowledging my wrong behavior. “I’m sorry for hitting you; that was wrong,” I said. She responded, “It’s okay,” while still sobbing. I explained that sometimes we all forget how we should act when we get upset. “Let’s help each other remember not to hurt anyone,” I suggested, and we laughed as I mimicked stopping our hands before causing harm.
Repairing our interactions teaches kids that making mistakes is part of life and that apologies are a strength, not a weakness. They benefit more from seeing a parent who acknowledges faults and seeks to mend things than from a perfect figure. Kids are incredibly forgiving and can sense our commitment to them. When we got home, my son drew me a picture as a gesture of reconciliation.
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Summary
Parenting can be challenging, especially on sweltering days when patience wears thin. Understanding and empathy play crucial roles in de-escalating conflicts with children. Managing overwhelming emotions is vital, as is the ability to repair relationships after mistakes. Kids appreciate seeing their parents strive to connect and mend things, teaching them valuable lessons about accountability and forgiveness.