It was the unexpected rage that truly unsettled me. I anticipated feelings of sadness and frustration, and indeed, I experienced those emotions. But rage? That was a shocking surprise that came with postpartum depression (PPD), and it ultimately pushed me to seek help.
About five weeks after the arrival of my second daughter, Lily, my partner noticed I was struggling. In an effort to lift my spirits, he surprised me with a half-day at a local spa. I was ecstatic—nails, a facial, a massage, and a few precious hours without a baby or toddler clinging to me. Pure bliss.
However, upon returning home, I immediately heard Lily crying from the basement. My body tensed up, and the relaxation I had felt vanished. My partner informed me that Lily hadn’t eaten the entire time I was at the spa. She had taken a little milk from a bottle, but refused to accept it again.
And that was the beginning of my rage.
I felt trapped by my colicky infant who wouldn’t sleep and refused to take a bottle. I also struggled with my toddler, Mia, who seemed to be in a perpetual state of tantrum. I began to second-guess my decision to leave my full-time writing job for freelance work. Overwhelmed, sad, anxious, and angry—I felt these intense emotions daily.
One night, during one of Mia’s meltdowns, I completely lost my temper. Words I didn’t mean erupted from my mouth, and I had to fight the urge to lash out physically (thankfully, I didn’t). The rage that surged through me was terrifying. Fortunately, my partner was there to step in. The guilt I felt afterward was overwhelming; I couldn’t fathom how I had acted.
The next day, I reached out to both my primary care physician and my OB-GYN. Together, they prescribed Zoloft and got me into therapy immediately. Within days, I noticed improvements. The sadness, lack of interest, and anxiety began to fade, thanks to the medication.
However, managing the rage took more effort. While Zoloft was helpful, therapy played a crucial role in addressing the anger that had taken hold of me. Four years later, I’m still navigating my mental health journey. The postpartum depression improved, but it transformed into another form of depression after my father’s unexpected passing. What it is now, I’m not entirely sure, but I continue to cope.
The rage remains the toughest symptom to handle and, in my experience, one of the least discussed aspects of depression. That’s why I feel compelled to share this. If you’re a mother dealing with postpartum depression, including the anger that can accompany it, know that you’re not alone. You’re not a bad mom. It’s possible to find relief—if you seek help.
Being a mom often means facing challenging situations. Sometimes, the most difficult step is asking for the support you need. I remember how hard it was to make that first phone call for help.
Now, I understand that depression can affect anyone. Those scary feelings don’t define me as a mother. With the right medication, therapy, and healthier lifestyle choices, I’m starting to feel like myself again. Yes, I’m still in the fight against depression, sadness, and anger—but I finally feel like I’m making progress.
If you think you might be experiencing PPD or need some extra support, check out this helpful resource on postpartum depression.
In summary, postpartum depression can often come with unexpected symptoms like rage, which may feel isolating and frightening. However, seeking help from professionals and leaning on support systems can lead to improvement.