Jan. 30, 2017
“I won’t abandon you,” I murmured to my little one as I gently laid him in his crib. “I’m not sure how I’ll make this right, but I will. I promise we’ll find a way out.” This promise was one I had repeated night after night since my children were born, a vow made not just to them, but to myself, for as long as I could remember.
Yet this promise felt like a hollow echo in a marriage that trapped me, a life I couldn’t escape. I was ensnared by abuse, financial dependence, a nonexistent support system, and a legal maze that left me bewildered, all while my two children relied on me. I was stuck.
Most mornings, I stared into the mirror, struggling to recognize the worn face that looked back at me—a face drained of hope, filled only with pain. Who was this person? Surely, it couldn’t be me, I thought, my eyes landing on the bruise encircling my eye. I had aspirations, dreams, plans for my life and my children’s lives.
But the mirror told the truth: I was merely a shell of who I once was, a ghost of the person I could’ve been. “I’ll just leave him,” I thought. “I’ll grab the kids and head to a shelter. They’ll keep us safe.” But would they really?
They might keep us safe until my husband’s lawyer tried to take custody of my children. I couldn’t afford legal representation, nor could I navigate a system that often didn’t recognize domestic violence as a custody concern. Research had shown me that 70% of women in abusive situations lose custody battles simply because they can’t match their abuser’s legal resources. I would never abandon my children; they needed me.
Even if I managed to leave, where would I go? The local shelter offered just six weeks of housing—then what? If I couldn’t afford a divorce, I would remain tied to his income. Daycare assistance? I’d be ineligible while still legally bound to him, leaving me with no one to care for my kids while I worked. If I couldn’t work, how would I feed them? I wouldn’t qualify for food stamps or Medicaid while still married. And how could I rent a place when I was still tied to a mortgage? His financial control had drained my savings and left me drowning in debt; I had nothing to rely on.
What were my choices? Leave without my children or take them with me and risk not being able to provide for them? So I stayed.
I pushed aside my own well-being, like so many mothers must, and did my best to care for my kids in the only way I knew how: by sacrificing my own needs. As I hovered over my son’s crib that night, gazing down at one of the few joys left in my life, I felt lost amidst the wreckage surrounding me.
Eventually, I met a compassionate attorney who saw my plight and reminded me that a future was possible only if I broke free from my past. I’ll never forget his words: “You need to get out of this if you ever want a future.” In response, I shared my harsh reality: “I can’t afford to escape. I can’t afford a future.”
Despite my financial struggles, he fought for me, my children, and our right to a better life. He helped rebuild my family and opened the door to a future filled with hope. Looking back, I often wonder, what makes me any more deserving than the countless women still ensnared in toxic lives? Nothing. The only difference was that I was fortunate enough to have someone see beyond my financial limitations.
When a woman is fighting for her life, she shouldn’t have to do it alone. I am deeply concerned about the devastating cuts that the new administration has proposed for domestic violence programs. We must stand against this. Our voices need to be heard.
Every individual deserves a life free from abuse, and we cannot continue to fail the women and children who need our help. Everyone deserves a chance at a brighter future, and sometimes that requires a little assistance. This cause embodies what it means to support life. I hope to see lawmakers advocate for these vital programs and truly demonstrate their commitment to being pro-life. We cannot let these women and children feel abandoned, trapped, and without support.
Take a moment to think about the women who feel powerless, striving not only to be the mothers they wish to be but also fighting for their very survival. If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, please visit the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
For more information on related topics, don’t forget to check out the excellent resources available at Women’s Health for pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re looking for ways to start a family at home, you might find this guide on artificial insemination kits helpful.
In summary, as someone who has faced the harrowing realities of domestic violence, I urge everyone to advocate for funding of domestic violence programs. We must ensure that no one has to fight alone for the right to a safe and healthy life.