As a parent, I often find myself recognizing the immense expectations I place on my neurotypical son, Alex. It’s something I notice daily, both in small moments and larger ones. He consistently rises to meet our family’s needs, even when it means sacrificing his own desires. There’s a gentle sadness in his bright green eyes, revealing the complexities of life that I wish I could shield him from.
From the moment we received my eldest son’s autism spectrum disorder diagnosis when Alex was just 11 months old, our expectations for him began to take shape. Yet, those expectations started long before that diagnosis.
My oldest son, Jake, requires a lot from us—time, energy, and unwavering focus. He needs constant guidance and patience, so much so that we often find ourselves taking deep breaths, searching for more patience to navigate challenging moments. He craves our love, needing to feel safe and secure in our presence. Creating that sense of safety often requires rearranging our lives to meet his needs.
While we dedicate time to support Jake, we must not overlook Alex, who has his own set of needs. He deserves love, encouragement, and moments of joy. He needs to feel supported, too, amidst the chaos of our household. Our family isn’t always peaceful; he witnesses the challenges we face, including his brother’s meltdowns and our efforts to mend the emotional wounds that arise from them.
In these moments, I hold Alex close and do my best to explain things that often escape my own understanding. I tell him about his unique big brother, helping him grasp the idea that everyone is different and has different needs. Each day, I remind him of Jake’s love. It’s crucial for both of us to remember that the difficulties we encounter stem from autism, not from Jake himself. Love remains at the core of our journey.
I reassure Alex that everything will be alright, while reminding myself of the same truth. I know that as he grows, we will have open conversations about Jake and autism, using real words and feelings to create an ongoing dialogue.
Alex will have questions: Why does Jake always get the blue plate? Why does he need to leave his toys when Jake wants to play with them? I will provide him with the answers he deserves, even as I recognize that I sometimes ask too much of him. I ask him to be brave, patient, and strong—qualities that most children shouldn’t have to embody so early in life.
Yet, every day, Alex astounds me with the depth of his heart. I see how he loves Jake unconditionally, how he bounces back after being pushed, and moments later, rests his head on Jake’s shoulder. Yes, I may ask a lot from him, but he gives it willingly—to me, to Jake, and to our family.
Because of this pure and fierce love, Alex rises to the occasion, embracing his brother along with all the challenges that come with autism. Together, we navigate this beautiful, chaotic journey of family life.
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Summary
Parenting a child on the autism spectrum poses unique challenges, especially when balancing the needs of neurotypical siblings. Both kids deserve love, attention, and understanding as they navigate their relationships and individual struggles. Through love and open communication, families can create a supportive environment for every child’s growth.