For a significant part of my twenties, I fell into the trap of being the “Cool Girl.” This doesn’t imply that I was genuinely cool or that others perceived me as such; rather, I was consumed by the desire to shape myself into the kind of woman I believed would be most appealing, regardless of the harmful impact it had on myself or the women around me. I dismissed feminism, constantly compared myself to other women, and, regrettably, often mocked them, particularly in front of men.
We all recognize the Cool Girl—the one who boasts about her better rapport with men than with women. She’s the type who proudly claims to be “one of the guys.” Avoiding “drama” is her mantra, yet she easily joins men in disparaging other women, both as individuals and as a collective. When it comes to issues of violence against women, she’s quick to suggest that some women fabricate their stories. The Cool Girl “gets it.” She doesn’t voice concerns about casual misogyny or sexist jokes among her male friends. Being labeled as a “feminist” is her worst nightmare. She revels in sports, gaming, beer, and other traditionally masculine interests.
While many women genuinely enjoy these activities—I’ve always had a passion for sports myself—the pressure to embody the Cool Girl persona can be intense, especially in fields like sports media. Women in this industry are expected to be attractive yet uncomplicated, outspoken yet non-political, knowledgeable but not intimidating to their male counterparts. The landscape is rife with Cool Girls striving to navigate this precarious balance, some for professional advancement and others merely to survive. Ultimately, the Cool Girl garners more acceptance than any other representation of femininity in sports media. Women who advocate for equality and feminism often find it challenging to gain public favor (as one male colleague once remarked, “No one wants a buzzkill on their TV”).
Consider the case of seasoned sports reporter, Sarah Thompson, who after confronting a male colleague for an inappropriate comment, later found herself in a bizarre exchange with a coach questioning the absence of bikini-clad women at a football event.
My reflection on my own Cool Girl past was particularly stirred during the 2016 election, as many women rallied behind Donald Trump despite his history of misogyny. It left me wondering about the motivations of women who dismissed his treatment of others. What drives them to overlook issues that impact all women? What leads them to support a man who embodies such crude behavior?
“Women are often conditioned to compete with one another. Many of us carry that mindset throughout our lives,” says activist Claire Hartman. “There’s a belief that by distancing ourselves from other women and aligning with men, we will be chosen and respected.” This phenomenon reflects what is known as “proximity to power,” the idea that aligning oneself with those in authority will yield access to their privileges.
Writer and activist Lisa Jordan contends that the Cool Girl is a societal construct rather than a mere phase. She explains that this alignment with men often serves the interests of patriarchy, pitting women against each other while benefiting those in power.
Jessica Moore, another insightful writer, has noted that there are numerous rewards tied to sexism, regardless of gender. In my pursuit of being the Cool Girl, I believed that by ingratiating myself with men and disavowing other women, I could create a unique position for myself and avoid the mistreatment I witnessed around me.
However, the downside of being one of the guys is that men often don’t hold back in their discussions about women. I’ve been privy to excruciatingly detailed evaluations of women’s bodies that have influenced my own self-image. I once sat among a group of men who discussed a female peer in degrading terms, reducing her to nothing more than an object. In that moment, I said nothing.
Though I’m not proud of my Cool Girl phase, I at least find comfort in knowing that it was a youthful folly. But what about the older women who vehemently criticized female candidates like Hillary Clinton during the election? What justification do they have?
“They want to seem relaxed and not like those feminists who don’t let men be men,” Hartman explains. “But at the core, it’s about internalized misogyny and the desire to gain power through association.”
Jordan believes that the issue lies in the evolution—or stagnation—of feminism. “We’ve come to accept that there are varied forms of feminism, including those that condone blatantly sexist attitudes,” she observes. “While solidarity with women isn’t a prerequisite for feminism, solidarity with all humans in the fight against capitalism and patriarchy certainly is.”
Ultimately, my experience of being the Cool Girl led me to a realization: I had boxed myself into a corner. The behavior I once thought was just ‘guys being guys’ became painfully evident as casual sexism that hindered my career. After years of allowing inappropriate comments to slide, I discovered that my Cool Girl persona did not earn me any respect when I finally voiced my objections. I realized that despite my earlier criticism of women, men regarded me no differently than any other stranger.
Hartman is not surprised by this epiphany. “Sadly, many women only experience a wake-up call when faced with something traumatic,” she remarks. “They may have aligned themselves with men whose betrayal leaves them feeling robbed of safety, realizing too late that ‘proximity to power’ is a trap.”
Now, fifteen years removed from my Cool Girl days, I’m a strong proponent of feminism and equality. I reflect on the younger generations and hope they find a better path than I did, even as I worry that deep-seated internalized misogyny may prevent some from embracing these ideals.
Hartman remains optimistic about reaching the Cool Girls of all ages, stating, “I believe that highlighting systemic issues like sexism, racism, and classism can open eyes. Whether it’s a public figure making harmful statements or women claiming they’re okay with disrespectful behavior, it’s crucial to emphasize that social justice movements aim to reveal how systemic inequities operate, rather than framing individuals as victims or enemies.”
In summary, the Cool Girl ideal, while enticing, often leads to detrimental consequences for women. As we navigate societal pressures, it’s vital to recognize the systemic nature of these issues and aim for solidarity rather than competition.
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