Navigating motherhood certainly comes with its own set of hurdles. Each of us faces distinct challenges shaped by our individual circumstances. As a mom living with bipolar disorder, my journey includes a unique collection of hurdles, insecurities, and worries that could likely wrap around the block several times.
My battle with postpartum depression and anxiety was one of the first significant challenges I encountered. Thankfully, I didn’t experience psychosis or require hospitalization. Yet, the debilitating fear, the restless pacing, the struggle to rise from bed, and the haunting thoughts of self-harm made the early days of motherhood far more chaotic than just sleepless nights and diaper changes.
Then came the euphoric moments of hypomania. I would dance around the house, full of energy, engaging my children in fun activities without a single worry. This high was often followed by an overwhelming crash, leaving me unable to rise from bed to read to them, leaving them puzzled about my tears.
Finding the right words to explain my mental health struggles to my kids in a way they could understand was difficult. Once, I had to check into a hospital for a week, far from home, where my children couldn’t visit but could call. I assured my eldest that my brain wasn’t functioning properly and that I needed medicine to get better. He seemed to grasp the situation.
But then, the unimaginable occurred. My partner and kids found me unconscious at home, leading to another ambulance ride and a stint in the hospital. They only knew I was sick and needed to stay there until I improved. They were unaware that it was a psychiatric facility. During my time there, I was able to see them, albeit briefly, in my stark hospital room. I was released just in time for my youngest’s birthday.
The weight of “mommy guilt” can feel crushing, especially for someone like me. However, I am learning to cope with guilt and shame in recovery. Self-compassion is vital for all mothers, but for those like me with bipolar disorder, it’s essential. While my illness can amplify parenting mistakes, I am committed to managing them, reminding myself that my children will be okay. I just have to take a deep breath and learn from every experience.
On my darkest days, I remind myself that my kids are always watching. If they must have a mom with bipolar disorder, at least they can learn about strength and resilience from me. They truly have one determined mama.
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In summary, being a bipolar mom is not without its challenges, but through learning to give myself grace, I can embrace the journey, imperfections and all.