Just three days after returning from our honeymoon, I decided to chop off nearly a foot of hair that I had painstakingly grown out for our wedding. In fact, I didn’t even mention my plan to Jake, let alone ask for his approval.
I have a tendency to be spontaneous, and honestly, I find it exhilarating. While flipping through a magazine with a colleague, I stumbled upon a hairstyle that caught my eye and immediately booked an appointment. If Jake were to ask for my approval before getting a haircut, that would feel incredibly odd. So why would I do the same?
Reflecting back, I believe my reluctance to seek permission stems from an experience in seventh grade. I craved a chic asymmetrical haircut that was all the rage back then. When I approached my father about it, he firmly said, “No way.” I remember sulking on my bed, flipping through my Young Miss magazine, frustrated that my desire was dismissed. It was just hair, after all—my hair.
That incident, along with others like it, shaped my approach to life. I resist being confined by rules or needing anyone’s approval to make choices—be it my husband, friends, or societal norms. It feels suffocating, and I simply refuse to be held back. I’m not a rebel seeking chaos; I’m just an adult eager to make my own decisions without consulting anyone. After all, I’ve longed for this freedom for years.
Jake and I do discuss significant life decisions, like buying a home or a car, which are joint efforts. However, when it comes to my hair, a new tattoo, or even those jeans that I just have to have (even if they’re not on sale), I take action without asking. I’m proactive, and Jake appreciates that about me—it’s a part of why he fell in love with me. I often remind him of this, especially when my Amazon packages arrive.
I also tend to take charge of semi-major things like planning vacations or redecorating our living room, as those are activities I enjoy, and Jake loves a good surprise. I prefer to say, “I’m planning a weekend getaway with my best friend,” rather than asking, “Can I go away for the weekend?” Because I’m not a child, and we simply check our schedules to make sure everything aligns.
If our kids witnessed us asking for permission from one another, it would suggest a lack of trust in our ability to make responsible choices. I don’t micromanage Jake’s spending, and he is not my child; he is my partner. I want the same kind of respect. For instance, when he surprised me with a third kayak—yes, a third—he didn’t seek my approval. He just bought it, and I genuinely encouraged him to enjoy it. That’s his passion, and we can afford it, so why not?
However, I’ll admit that when I stopped working, I felt the need to ask about spending money since I wasn’t earning any. It felt wrong to purchase extras without permission. That changed quickly when my younger sister, who I adore, told me, “What are you doing? Stop asking for permission! You work too!” She was spot on, and it was exactly the wake-up call I needed. My reluctance had shifted the dynamics at home, and it wasn’t positive. Jake didn’t want me to feel like I had to ask for permission. It felt as strange to him as it did to me.
Whether working or staying at home, both partners are equals. You contribute equally to the household, and seeking permission for a haircut or new shoes is simply demeaning.
We’re a team, which doesn’t mean we indulge in every whim. It signifies that we trust and respect each other as partners, recognizing our autonomy as individuals capable of making decisions. For significant matters involving our family, we have thoughtful discussions, weigh options, and reach a consensus together. However, asking for permission is never part of the process.
After all, one of the best aspects of adulthood is that no one is in charge of you. I relish the freedom to make my own decisions, sometimes with Jake’s support and sometimes independently. But let me be real: if he brings home another kayak, I might just lose my mind!
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In summary, making decisions independently fosters a sense of equality and respect in a partnership. Embracing autonomy in personal choices strengthens the bond between partners while promoting trust and understanding.