Dear little buddy,
Today marks your 4th birthday, Leo! How is it possible that you’re already four? Watching you run, jump, and laugh with your friends fills my heart with so much pride and joy. You are incredible, and I want you to always know that.
There are some things I need to share with you. I realize you might not understand them fully right now, but one day, when I’m older and my hair has turned gray, I hope you will read this letter.
Gratitude for You
First and foremost, I want you to understand how deeply grateful I am that you are my son and your brother Sam’s sibling. You both have brought me so much joy—more than I ever thought was possible.
Let me share a little secret with you that no one else knows. The day I discovered I was pregnant with you, I cried—really cried, my sweet boy. I was overwhelmed with fear. I had just been navigating the challenges of raising your brother, who was diagnosed with severe nonverbal autism. It felt like I was failing him, and I worried I was failing as a mother, a wife, and a friend. My world felt like it was falling apart.
The thought of autism loomed over me like a dark cloud, and every day I carried the weight of that fear. But when I found out you were on your way, everything changed. It was a Saturday morning; I had been up all night with your brother. I took the test, and it felt like it shouted, “You are pregnant!”
I was terrified. How could I manage another child when I was already so consumed with caring for your brother? Those nine months were filled with sleepless nights spent Googling “odds of having two children with autism.”
Your Arrival
Then came January, and you arrived. Oh, Leo, you were perfect! You slept well, you ate, and you filled our home with laughter and happiness.
I want you to know something important: you saved me. Not many kids can say they’ve done that for their mom, but you did. By the time you were born, my life revolved around autism and the endless therapies for your brother. While that’s what a mother should do, it was exhausting, and I started to miss out on the joy of being a mom.
You reminded me how to live fully with my children. On days when autism weighed heavily on my heart, you were there—crawling, walking, jumping, and making me laugh. You brought light into our lives and helped me celebrate the milestones that every mother cherishes.
Complex Emotions
Yet I must admit, watching you excel while your brother struggles has been heart-wrenching. I often feel a pang of sadness when I see the differences between you two. There were times I unintentionally downplayed your accomplishments because I was so focused on your brother’s challenges. I never meant for that to happen; I just wanted to protect you and celebrate your brother’s progress too.
I’m sorry for the complexities of your life. Having a brother with special needs can be overwhelming, and I know there are times when your only interaction with him is less than pleasant. I see the confusion in your eyes when you try to connect with him, and I want you to know that it’s okay to have those feelings.
I also want to express my gratitude for your resilience. You’ve faced challenges most kids your age haven’t. It’s almost as if your brother has gifted you with a deeper understanding of life’s struggles.
Missing Moments
Sometimes I feel like I’ve missed so much of your childhood. Just last month, during a check-up, I blanked on the year you were born. The receptionist asked, and I froze. It broke my heart to realize how much I’ve been juggling.
I know I’ve interrupted your sweet chatter to focus on your brother’s needs. What kind of mother does that? But I believe you’ll understand as you grow older.
A memory that stands out was when you gently grabbed my face during a meeting and asked, “Can we talk about Sam for a little bit, Mommy?” I’ll never forget that moment. Unfortunately, we didn’t get to have that conversation because your brother needed me, but I want you to know I hear you.
Apologies and Hopes
Thank you, my dear Leo. Life can be tough and sometimes frightening. You often get the remnants of my attention after I’ve cared for your brother, and I apologize for that. I know I spoil you as a way to make up for it, allowing you to stay up late for those rare moments of peace.
I’m sorry for the times I’ve had to say, “…because he’s autistic.” I worry that I’ve failed you or that I’ve made you feel less important.
There are moments when I think about what your future looks like. Will you take care of your brother when I’m no longer here? Will you love him and protect him? I want you to live your life fully—go to college, get married, and have children. But I also wish for you to have a bond with Sam, to love him fiercely as I do.
Celebrating You
One day, we will have to discuss the future, but today is about celebrating YOU. Today, you are 4, and we will focus on everything that makes you who you are. Autism doesn’t have to be the center of our world today.
As I watch you play, I think about all I want to teach you: kindness, love, and patience. I want you to embrace differences and to fight for what is right, especially for your brother. Most importantly, I want you to be happy and to accept your brother for who he is, seeing the joy he brings to our lives.
You two are brothers in every sense of the word, and I can’t wait to see the bond you will share.
Happy Birthday, Leo
In summary, this heartfelt letter to a young boy highlights the challenges and joys of being a sibling to a child with special needs. It expresses gratitude for the love and light he brings into the family while acknowledging the struggles and complexities that come with autism. The message emphasizes love, acceptance, and the importance of family bonds.