By: Emily J.
As I prepared to send my son, whom I’ll call “Jake,” to college in the spring of 2009, I was determined to fulfill my long-held promise to pay for his education. My intention was for him to focus solely on his studies, free from the burden of part-time work. This commitment felt like the ultimate gift, one that I had envisioned since his childhood.
Fortunately, I had stashed away enough money in a state-sponsored college fund. I felt a sense of accomplishment, especially given my history of overspending. However, the reality hit when we began exploring schools. I quickly realized that in-state tuition was just the tip of the iceberg; I needed an additional $7,200 annually for housing, food, books, and other essentials.
That was my breaking point. I was consumed with guilt and regret at the thought of the funds I could have saved had I not treated credit cards like a magic ticket to spend. The biggest misconception I held was that the necessary money would somehow materialize when needed. Spoiler alert: it didn’t.
Instead, my debt was spiraling out of control, inching toward my income level. In desperation, I sought help from a support group for compulsive spenders. On April 24, 2009, I took a significant step—I cut up my credit cards and learned to live within my means. Fortunately, I managed to find some extra funds through smarter spending and my ex-husband reluctantly contributing a few thousand dollars for Jake’s first year.
Relieved, I thought I had kept my promise. Freshman year went smoothly, but during his sophomore year, I faced an unexpected setback; I became disabled. My income shrank drastically, while my healthcare expenses soared. Even though Jake’s tuition was covered, I grew despondent about affording his living costs. I was adamant that he shouldn’t have to work and that student loans were out of the question. I felt it was my duty to provide him a debt-free college experience.
Thankfully, I turned to my support network rather than trying to bear this burden alone. To my surprise, my friends firmly told me that I was in denial. They explained that I couldn’t sacrifice my financial stability to cover Jake’s expenses without risking my own well-being. They encouraged me to let him take charge of his finances, reminding me that I’d be more beneficial to him if I didn’t bankrupt myself trying to keep a promise.
Initially resistant, I decided to consult more people, only to find that everyone, including Jake’s girlfriend, had financed part of their college costs. This realization was eye-opening and humbling. Eventually, I sat down with Jake and explained that I could no longer support his living expenses. He would need to find a job and consider student loans if he wanted to continue his education.
I felt a knot in my stomach. Jake didn’t seem thrilled, but he calmly responded, “Okay, I’ll get a job and a loan.” That summer, he secured his first job as a waiter and took out $15,000 in student loans. The silver lining? He became much more dedicated to his studies and never once asked me for financial help again.
Reflecting on my journey, I realized how misguided I had been. Despite my financial missteps, Jake thrived. My husband, Tom, who married me when Jake was just 10, demonstrated responsible money management, living simply and teaching Jake valuable financial skills. Plus, other mentors in Jake’s life instilled the importance of discipline and hard work.
It became clear that I had underestimated Jake’s resilience. My fears that my poor financial choices would negatively affect him were unfounded. He just needed a little push to take responsibility.
Fast forward to six months after his graduation, Jake felt the impact of his student loans and learned that borrowing money comes with its own challenges. Within five years, he paid off nearly all his loans, leaving just $1,800. At one point, I had a financial windfall and offered to assist him, but he declined, wanting to tackle it on his own.
Today, Jake, now 26, lives a thrifty lifestyle, using credit cards judiciously and paying off his balance each month while maximizing rewards. Thankfully, he doesn’t seem to have inherited my spending habits.
It took time for me to forgive myself for not fulfilling my initial promise. While some parents choose to cover all college costs, I’ve learned that my inability to do so was a beneficial lesson for Jake. Had I ignored the advice from my support network, the outcome would have been disastrous for both of us. This experience was pivotal in his growth into adulthood, and I couldn’t be prouder of the man he has become.
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In summary, I learned that sometimes the best lessons come from unexpected challenges. By letting my son take the reins of his education and finances, I ultimately gave him the tools to thrive.