Recently, my 6-year-old daughter, Mia, attended her first baby shower. A family friend is expecting a baby girl, and the event welcomed children, much to Mia’s excitement. She was enchanted by the pink decorations and the candy buffet, and on our way home, she started asking a flurry of questions.
“Mommy, if someone has another baby next year, can they have another shower?” she asked.
“I think so! Every baby deserves to be celebrated,” I responded. “Besides, any reason for cake is a good one.”
“Are you going to have more babies, Mommy?”
I told her that I wasn’t planning on it, and shortly after, she began to talk about her future family.
“I don’t care if I have a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy baby,” she declared.
I realized I had uttered that very phrase countless times during my own pregnancy. When loved ones inquired about my preference for a boy or girl, I defaulted to the socially acceptable “as long as it’s healthy,” without genuinely considering what that meant.
Mia’s repetition of this phrase struck me as odd. Hearing it from her made me rethink how I had blindly echoed that sentiment. It’s common for parents to say they want a healthy baby to avoid sounding like they prefer one gender over the other. But what if I had a boy and told everyone I wanted a girl? Would that suggest I loved my child any less?
While we genuinely mean well, saying “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy” inadvertently implies that we want a perfect child, and that we would be disheartened if our baby wasn’t deemed “healthy.” This perspective overlooks the fact that many families embrace children with special needs, and they love their kids just as fiercely.
I’ve never met a parent of a child with special needs who wasn’t just as dedicated and thankful for their child as any parent of a typically developing child. So why do we continue to say we want only a healthy child?
What many of us are actually expressing is the desire for our child to avoid suffering. It’s a completely understandable wish, but it also sets unrealistic expectations. When we communicate that we only want a healthy baby, we unintentionally perpetuate ableism and exclude those who may not fit into that mold.
Instead of shaming anyone for their choice of words, we can be positive role models and say something like: “I want the child I am meant to have.”
This phrase is kinder, more accurate, and inclusive. By saying, “I want the child I am meant to have,” we open ourselves to all possibilities. This expression comes from a place of love and acceptance, allowing families to embrace the unique qualities of every individual, regardless of their health status.
When I shared this thought with Mia after the baby shower, I asked, “Would you love your babies any less if they were sick?”
“Of course not!” she giggled, finding the idea silly.
“Do you think I would love you any less if you weren’t healthy? Absolutely not. I will always love you,” I assured her.
“I’m going to love my babies the same way,” she replied confidently.
I took the opportunity to explain that not all babies are healthy, and that many children are different, but that doesn’t change how we feel about them. Every life is worthy of celebration.
“Every baby should be celebrated, right, Mommy?” she said.
“Absolutely,” I replied.
“With cake!” she added, grinning.
“Definitely with cake,” I confirmed.
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Summary
The phrase “all I want is a healthy baby” is often used by expectant parents, but it can unintentionally convey feelings of disappointment toward any child who may not meet that standard. Instead, a more inclusive and loving approach would be to express a desire for “the child I am meant to have,” allowing for acceptance of all unique children and their circumstances.