As I prepared to head back to work, my 2-year-old son clung to me tightly, burying his face into my chest and pleading, “Stay, Mommy. Stay.” I wrapped my arms around him, assuring him he’d be safe with Grandma and would see me later in the day. After a few moments of hesitation, he finally whispered, “Okay, Mama. Okay.”
I drove off with a mix of emotions—a slight pang of sadness in my heart, but also a sense of excitement. I had finally put on my favorite heels and styled my hair, ready to re-enter the world I had longed to engage with since becoming a mother more than five years ago.
The job opportunity felt like a gift from above. I had no desire to comb through endless job listings or struggle with crafting the perfect resume. All I did was ask for the right position to come my way. (Yes, my perspective has shifted as I’ve aged.) I sought something that would fit seamlessly into my family’s routine and wouldn’t consume all my earnings on childcare. To my surprise, a teaching position appeared unexpectedly.
During a conversation with a new friend about my worries regarding my 5-year-old starting kindergarten, she mentioned a local private school that resonated with my educational values. I brushed it off initially, thinking it was out of my financial reach. However, the very next day, we crossed paths again, and she told me they were looking for a third-grade teacher. In a series of seemingly destined events, I was offered the role along with free tuition for both of my children.
Although the school year wouldn’t begin until August, I decided to substitute for a day. The experience was mostly positive, yet I left feeling completely drained. I had anticipated that work would invigorate me, but instead, I found myself taking deep breaths as I walked to my car. As I pulled out of the parking lot, I started counting down the hours until bedtime—not with excitement, but rather with a sense of longing.
I missed my kids. The empowering heels that I had loved earlier in the day now felt cumbersome, and the outfit I had envisioned wearing to the store just wanted to be tossed aside. I pictured our home in its glorious chaos, where we ran around without a care in the world, and despite the challenges of motherhood, in that moment, it seemed perfect.
I thought back to our afternoons spent at Target, munching on popcorn and hunting for bargains. Those moments felt richer than just passing time. I recalled our heartfelt conversations in the bathroom, which felt intimate and meaningful, making me question why I ever desired to escape. I remembered playing hide-and-seek while sneakily folding laundry, and I regretted ever believing that stepping away from my children would bring balance to my life.
When I returned home, I couldn’t wait to hug my 2-year-old, but he was overtired and cranky. I had imagined that going to work would give me a refreshing break from the demands of parenting, expecting my kids to miss me and welcome me back with open arms. Instead, I arrived to a mood that even ice cream couldn’t remedy. Normally, I handle cranky kids with grace, but having been gone all day, I felt less confident. In a flash, I was overwhelmed by guilt and the pressure for our time together to be flawless.
When I first received the job offer, I pictured myself writing about the joy of being a working mother, but I didn’t anticipate these feelings of uncertainty. The everyday moments I once wished to escape now felt like a privilege. I used to envy those who looked forward to Fridays and dreaded Sundays, but now I realize they might be the ones wishing for the simplicity of my daily life. I once sought validation in my career, but I’ve come to understand that true significance doesn’t come from alarm clocks or paychecks. Perhaps what I’ve been doing all along is the most vital work of all.
While being a stay-at-home mom brought immense joy, it also brought its share of loneliness, frustrations, and boredom. Yet as I navigated through those struggles, my boys have grown, and I’ve learned to pursue my passions creatively. Now that I have the job I thought I wanted, I find myself questioning whether it’s truly necessary. I’m mourning the time I will leave behind, but I recognize that this is a natural part of growth, especially as my son embarks on his school journey.
In truth, the grass is not always greener, and that’s a lesson I must carry forward as I reflect on both the past and the future. I understand that my new role will come with its own set of challenges, but taking this leap also allows me to view my time at home through a lens of gratitude. It seems our blessings become clearer when we can no longer take them for granted, and perhaps that is the balance I’ve been seeking all along. Embracing change without clinging to what was is the key to finding joy in the unfolding of life.
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Summary
Returning to work after being a stay-at-home mom evokes a bittersweet mix of emotions. While the opportunity to re-enter the workforce brings excitement, it also stirs feelings of guilt and nostalgia for the simple, cherished moments spent with children. The journey of balancing motherhood and professional life is complex, but ultimately filled with growth and reflection on what truly matters.