There they were: my three oldest children, eyes wide with excitement as I indulged them with spoonfuls of frosting. This was their reward for managing to smile through a family photo without any meltdowns.
Yes, I admit, I bribe them for moments like this. And honestly, I’ve moved past any guilt over it. So there I stood, spoon in hand, enjoying the scene before me.
As the frosting dripped down their chins, they giggled and exclaimed, “You’re the best mom ever!” They exchanged gleeful looks, clearly amazed by the treat. I was having a great time too — until my oldest, Lucas, chimed in, “No, Mom. Seriously, you’re the best. I can’t believe you’re letting us eat frosting straight from the can!”
In that instant, my stomach sank. Although he intended it as a sweet compliment, I realized he genuinely believed this was my way of expressing love. His beaming smile reflected pure joy, but it also made me reflect on something deeper. Just the night before, I had told him “no” to a request he cared about. He had been furious, unable to grasp why I wouldn’t let him have his way.
“Why did you say no?” he’d demanded, frustrated. I had stood firm, knowing it was for his own good. The contrast struck me — in that moment, he saw me as the “best mom” for offering frosting, yet he couldn’t appreciate my love when it meant setting boundaries.
As I contemplated this, I realized that my children might view love as something uncomplicated. They equate joy with permission, while I understand that love sometimes means saying “no.”
A Letter to My Kids
So, I decided to write a letter to my kids (and to myself):
Dear Child,
I want to share a lesson about what it means to be a good mom, and why sometimes I may seem more interested in capturing a smile for a picture than giving you everything you want.
In life, you will hear me say “no” far more often than you hear “yes.” When I do say no, I want you to understand that it’s my way of saying, “I love you.” I know it might not feel like it. It may seem like I’m denying you something important. But, in fact, I’m protecting what truly matters — you.
Prepare to hear “no” often, maybe even more than you’d like. You don’t have to understand my reasons or agree with my methods. What’s important is knowing that I often act as a better mother when I set limits, and that’s a form of love too. Sometimes love means saying no.
That said, I will say yes whenever I can because I love seeing you happy. But loving you doesn’t always mean giving you what you want. So, please don’t get those mixed up.
And about that frosting last night? A responsible mom might have chosen to say no, thinking about your health, your teeth, and avoiding a sugar rush that could disrupt your bedtime. The sweetness you thought you tasted? That was just a moment of bribery.
My true love for you is much deeper and more fulfilling than that fleeting sugary thrill. Don’t ever forget it.
Love, Your Mom Who Will Tell You No