As my partner was nearing the end of her pregnancy, I found myself in a discussion about my paternity leave options with my supervisor, Tom. This conversation took place three years ago, and his words still resonate with me today.
“I wouldn’t take too much time off,” he cautioned. “Your students might really need you.” I was seated at my desk while Tom sat across from me, and his remark instantly weighed heavily on my conscience. He crossed his legs and locked eyes with me, making me feel somewhat selfish for even considering taking time off. Tom, a single father in his mid-40s with nearly two decades in education, genuinely cared about the well-being of his staff and students. Yet, he also held a strong commitment to the program’s success and our students’ achievements.
As an academic advisor to a group of underrepresented students, I had around 80 individuals I met with bi-weekly. That term alone, I could name at least half a dozen students who might have had to leave college without my support. My partner, Sarah, was due right before the end of the spring term, a critical time for student engagement.
However, Sarah and our newborn would also require my presence. We had moved to Oregon just over a year prior, a long drive from Utah, and often discussed how we were each other’s main support system. With my mother-in-law planning to visit and a few friends willing to help, I still felt a strong obligation to be there for my family.
I had enough sick leave to take seven weeks off. University policy allowed for up to three months, but full pay for that duration wasn’t feasible. This was my first professional job after college, yet it was our third child. For our first two children, I was juggling waiting tables while completing my degree, managing only a few days off. Back then, I regretted not having paternity leave and missing those precious bonding moments with my newborns and supporting my partner.
But now, I faced an unexpected dilemma: the pressure of professional responsibility. I felt torn between the needs of my job and those of my family. That evening, as Sarah and I discussed my leave, she expressed how much she’d appreciate having me around.
“Seven weeks would be perfect,” she said. “I could use your help.”
However, I shared Tom’s concerns. “I’m not afraid of losing my job, but I worry about my students,” I confessed. After some contemplation, Sarah reassured me, “I want you at the hospital, but my mom will be here. I’ll be okay. We’ve handled this before.”
I often claim that being a father comes before my career, but in that moment, I felt conflicted. Ultimately, I chose to prioritize work over family, taking only two weeks off. Looking back, I regret this decision deeply.
Like with our first two children, I missed the chance to bond with my newborn during those initial, invaluable weeks. I also failed to support Sarah when she needed me the most.
Now that our family is complete, I want to share this message with any expectant fathers: I understand the pressure. But I also know the weight of regret. If you have the chance to take paternity leave, do it—take every moment you can. Your family will benefit from it, and you certainly won’t regret it. For more insights into family planning and parenthood, check out our other posts, including this one.
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Summary:
Taking paternity leave is crucial for new fathers. The balance between work obligations and family needs can create significant stress, but prioritizing family during this transformative time is essential for bonding and support.