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When Parenting Takes Over: Marriage Can Feel Like Roommates
After a long day at work, I returned home only to realize that my wife and I hadn’t even exchanged a kiss. Usually, that connection is a staple in our routine, but with three kids under ten, the chaos can sometimes overshadow the romance. My partner, Rachel, was busy in the kitchen, dinner simmering on the stove, while our youngest, a messy toddler in a onesie, clung to her leg, demanding attention. At the dining table, my two oldest, Ethan and Mia, were locked in a sibling dispute—Ethan trying to help Mia with her homework, while she insisted, “I want Mom!”
This was just another evening in our household. The kind of evening that doesn’t resemble the romantic artworks you see on social media. I recently stumbled upon a series of paintings on a popular site that captured the essence of love—couples embracing in tender moments. One depicted a woman reaching for ingredients while her partner lovingly held her from behind. Those images evoke nostalgia, reminding me of the sweet moments Rachel and I have shared over our 13 years together. However, when life gets hectic, it’s far from picturesque.
Instead, it sometimes resembles a business partnership. Rachel would flash me a look—a tight-lipped expression with wide eyes, silently pleading for assistance. In those moments, despite my longing to embrace her and share a kiss, we had to focus on the task at hand.
I dropped my bag, scooped up our youngest, and quickly tackled her diaper change while mediating Ethan and Mia’s argument as if I were defusing a bomb. Rachel continued cooking, and once dinner was ready, we worked together to set the table. The meal was a quiet affair; our conversation was minimal, and we didn’t touch each other. We had learned how to navigate the chaos of parenthood together, effectively splitting responsibilities without needing to ask who would do what.
Many might view these moments as signs of a relationship growing stale, believing the spark has faded. However, I believe it reflects the realities of a long-term partnership, where love is still present, albeit in a different form. Marriage and parenting are rewarding yet challenging, and often don’t resemble the fairy-tale depictions we see in movies.
Sometimes, it looks like two coworkers handling taxes. Other times, it’s about dividing tasks so we can tackle issues simultaneously or supporting each other in discipline. There’s beauty in recognizing the value of your partner—even if they haven’t changed out of their sweats all day.
This doesn’t imply we should settle for less. It’s essential to keep the romance alive with kisses and intimate moments. Yet, amidst the chaos, it’s vital to appreciate having a partner who stands beside you in the demanding journey of parenting.
Once the kids were tucked in bed and the dishes were cleaned, I called out to Rachel, “You haven’t kissed me.” She turned around, and we both realized the distance between us. After a brief moment of unspoken understanding, we moved closer and shared a kiss, for a fleeting moment capturing the essence of those romantic paintings. But just as we smiled at each other, the sound of a creaking door interrupted us—it was our toddler, out of bed again.
Without a word, I let go of Rachel, picked up our little one, and carried her back to bed. The romance would have to wait—for now.
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Summary:
In the midst of the chaos that parenting brings, it’s common for marriage to feel less romantic and more like a partnership. While the sparks of love may dim during hectic family times, the commitment and teamwork involved in raising children signify a deeper bond. Moments of connection might be fleeting, but they are still meaningful in the grand tapestry of family life.