As a parent, I’ve come to realize how much my children mirror not only the best aspects of me and my partner but also some of our less desirable traits. When my kids test my patience, it often feels like I’m staring into a funhouse mirror reflecting my own stubbornness or perfectionism—traits that I’ve painstakingly identified over years of therapy.
On particularly challenging days, I remind myself that raising strong-willed and determined children might be tough, but these traits often lead to independence and success in adulthood. I find solace in the thought that my investment in their growth will eventually yield rewarding results, like them not moving back in with me as adults!
Even the toughest moments fade into the background, overshadowed by the joyous laughter, heartfelt notes hidden in backpacks, and creative projects that express love through handmade clay sculptures and quirky coffee mugs. It’s as though there’s a natural balance over time that allows parents to survive and children to mature.
In my 7-year-old daughter, I already see a blend of resilience and determination. Recently, when a construction block set arrived with over 40 missing pieces, she faced a pivotal moment. Instead of falling apart, convinced that her creation was ruined, she adapted by using her brother’s spare parts and even reached out to the manufacturer’s customer service with a written letter (which they responded to with a nice surprise). I envisioned her future self as a corporate leader, adept at overcoming obstacles—fantastic, indeed!
However, this adaptable side of her comes with its own challenges. As a natural problem-solver who seeks to please, I notice my daughter often prioritizing others’ needs over her own in social situations. She strives to mend conflicts, even if it means sacrificing her own desires. The phrase “I’m sorry” echoes throughout our home far too often.
This morning, as we prepared muffins, she apologized for a muffin cup that didn’t quite measure up. When the bed didn’t cooperate, another “I’m sorry” slipped out. And when her brothers caused a mess, she quickly chimed in with yet another apology. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Let me clarify: I want my children to be polite and compassionate. But my daughter’s habitual apologies for things she hasn’t done—essentially for the space she occupies—feel like an ingrained response, and it’s a behavior I recognize in myself. Her brothers and father don’t share this tendency, which makes me realize she’s picked it up from me.
I first noticed her excessive apologies around ages 4 or 5; they became a staple in her speech. I’ve tried to correct her: “Sweetheart, you don’t need to apologize for things beyond your control.” Despite my guidance, I began to see that I was modeling this behavior. Just this morning, when I asked her to check on our muffins, I instinctively apologized for interrupting her reading.
That’s the crux of it: I’m sorry for asking anything of you. I’m sorry for having needs. I’m sorry for taking up space. This ongoing issue of women feeling compelled to diminish themselves is well-documented. Authors like Sheryl Sandberg have addressed it, and I’ve engaged in discussions about it throughout my education. Yet, here I am, perpetuating this cycle within my own family.
At a recent conference focused on women in business, I listened to a panel of female cardiologists lament their reluctance to negotiate contracts due to fears of being labeled as demanding or difficult. Even in 2023, women, regardless of their accomplishments, are still receiving mixed messages about the importance of being agreeable and minimizing their presence. Regrettably, I’ve contributed to that narrative in my daughter’s life.
The silver lining is that I’m nurturing a young woman who seeks harmony and is willing to take responsibility when warranted. These are invaluable traits in any setting. However, it’s my duty as her mother to ensure she doesn’t internalize blame for circumstances that aren’t her fault. She shouldn’t apologize for her intelligence, strength, or presence.
Each day presents a new opportunity to correct this course. It starts with me making a clear distinction between genuine accountability (“I’m sorry”) and expressing empathy (“I care how you feel”). I aim to help her unlearn unnecessary apologies while learning to communicate with confidence and purpose. No more “sorry confetti.” Sorry… not sorry.
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In summary, I am committed to teaching my daughter the importance of valuing herself and not feeling the need to apologize for simply existing. It’s crucial that she learns to navigate her relationships and responsibilities without diminishing her own worth.