Let’s get real for a moment: I’ve dealt with a serious case of Judgemental Parent Syndrome. Despite my usual “you do you” philosophy, parenting threw me into a judgmental vortex where I found myself adding to the toxic culture I once despised. After twenty months of parenting, I’ve learned a lot about how I fell into the sanctimommy trap, and I’d like to share my experience.
Step 1: Do Something That Draws Criticism
For me, that ‘thing’ was co-sleeping. After attending birthing classes and reading the hospital pamphlets, I was well aware of the dangers associated with having my baby in bed with me. Despite buying a high-tech bassinet that boasted features like soothing vibrations and lullabies, I initially didn’t plan to co-sleep.
However, my little one would wake up multiple times at night, and out of sheer exhaustion, I began bringing him into bed with me for nursing. At first, I’d lay him back in the bassinet after feeding him, but soon both of us would fall asleep together. It turned out to be the easiest solution for our sleepless nights.
Still, I was haunted by the fear of judgment. I’d encounter comments online warning that co-sleeping would lead to disastrous outcomes, and my pediatrician would frequently inquire whether my infant had his own sleeping space (which I had to technically affirm, even if he rarely used it). This led me to seek out online forums.
Step 2: Discover Like-Minded Communities
I dove into searches for co-sleeping support and stumbled upon countless parenting groups promising a non-judgmental environment. I joined as many as I could, including those focused on breastfeeding and attachment parenting. Finding others who shared my struggles was comforting, and I eagerly absorbed their experiences.
Initially, it was harmless. Parents shared stories of successful co-sleeping without issues. But gradually, I began to see comments implying that parents who didn’t co-sleep lacked connection with their children. The rhetoric intensified until it became a rallying cry for co-sleeping as the only “responsible” choice for nurturing parents. I began to internalize this mindset and felt armed with the “evidence” to defend my choices.
Step 3: Embrace the Advocate Role
With my newfound conviction, I became an outspoken champion for co-sleeping, babywearing, and breastfeeding. I felt compelled to share my “knowledge” to educate others, viewing it as a mission to enlighten parents who didn’t see things my way. I found myself commenting on posts to share “scientific facts,” often disregarding the diverse parenting styles of my Facebook friends. I surrounded myself with peers who echoed my beliefs, creating an echo chamber where anyone outside the norm was dismissed.
Step 4: The Moment of Realization
Eventually, the bliss of co-sleeping faded. My son, Jack, was six months old, and I was experiencing back pain from our sleeping arrangement. He had become a frequent nighttime nurser, and the lack of alone time was straining my relationship. I began to realize that the very community I sought for support was now a source of condemnation for wanting to change my approach.
I wrestled with conflicting ideals about attachment parenting and the need to transition Jack to his own sleep space. The judgment I’d once dished out came back to haunt me, filling me with guilt over my decisions. I began to understand that parenting choices shouldn’t be scrutinized by others. Every mother is simply trying to do what’s best for her family.
Step 5: Finding Healing and Support
Fortunately, I found a wonderful private mom group that fostered a truly supportive environment, free from judgment. In this space, opinions had to be backed by personal anecdotes or professional advice, and everyone was encouraged to uplift one another instead of tearing each other down.
I recently purged my Facebook friends list, removing those who perpetuated negativity about parenting choices. I realized that my parenting journey was unique and that my choices—whether breastfeeding or sleep training—were valid. It’s time we empower mothers to make decisions that suit their families without fear of criticism.
In conclusion, the journey to overcoming judgment in parenting is one of self-reflection and support. Rather than focusing on how others parent, let’s celebrate the diversity of choices and trust that each mother is doing her best.
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Summary
Navigating the complexities of parenting can sometimes lead to judgment and guilt. By sharing my journey from being a sanctimommy to embracing a more supportive and understanding approach, I hope to encourage others to trust their parenting choices and foster a community of acceptance rather than criticism.