There’s a remarkable 24-year difference between my first daughter and my twin girls. Yes, you read that correctly—twenty-four years. I welcomed my first child when I was just 18, and after she left for her own adventures, I thought it was the perfect moment to start anew. I had my twins at the age of 42. (Interestingly, my oldest daughter now has a daughter, making me a grandma at one point—a story for another time). I raised my first daughter in the 1990s and am now navigating the challenges of raising two girls in the 2010s.
When people learn that I essentially parent two different generations, their first question (after a look of disbelief) is usually, “What’s the biggest change you’ve noticed?” The answer is straightforward: the internet, which has significantly impacted my maternal instincts.
During my first parenting journey, I didn’t consult a single parenting article or book. I relied almost exclusively on my instincts, however flawed they might have been. My mother was my primary source of guidance, offering advice that often came with a cigarette in hand. While some of her wisdom might have been questionable, she raised me, and I turned out mostly okay—so I figured I was in good hands. Miraculously, my oldest daughter blossomed into a wonderful person who contributes positively to society.
The experience with my twins, however, was entirely different. I found myself exclaiming, “Wow, I have the internet! An entire world of information is at my fingertips!” And so began my journey of research even before they were born. I scoured the web for answers to questions like, “Why do my babies hiccup so much in the womb?” My instincts (or my mother’s advice) would have suggested something simple like, “They’re just exercising.” But Dr. Google had me convinced that their umbilical cords were likely wrapped around their necks, and I panicked, thinking they were in danger. One day, after a particularly intense search session, I was in tears, nearly curled up in the fetal position by the time my partner found me.
Despite my doctor’s warnings to avoid online searches, I couldn’t help myself.
Things escalated once my twins arrived. I researched every little detail, downloading numerous apps to keep track of feeding, diaper changes, burps, milestones, and playdates. I became so reliant on the internet that I lost my ability to trust my own judgment. By the time they were just two months old, the internet had drained my intuition, leaving me unsure of my maternal instincts.
To be fair, the internet has its perks: I connected with fantastic twin moms, scored a fantastic running stroller on Craigslist, and maintained contact with my out-of-state mother. However, the judgment, conflicting information, and alarming “what-if” scenarios can easily spiral into self-doubt and anxiety. Eventually, I realized I needed to step back and breathe. Upon reflection, I discovered that balance is key. Here are some tips to help retain your maternal instincts in the digital age:
1. Block Out the Judgment.
I hadn’t encountered terms like “mommy wars” or “mom shaming” until I dove into online parenting discussions. Sure, there were always judgmental voices, like Great Aunt Betty, who would chime in with outdated advice. But ignoring her was easy because she wasn’t amplified by the internet. Today, that same critical voice resonates throughout cyberspace, often louder and more relentless. Remember, no one has all the right answers. We’re all figuring it out together, much like Great Aunt Betty.
2. Acknowledge Conflicting Advice.
Beyond the shaming, the amount of contradictory information can be overwhelming. Should you wear your baby all the time? Or not at all? Is co-sleeping beneficial or harmful? The list goes on. I’ve tried countless methods, and they all have their merits, depending on your beliefs and values. Discover what works best for you and your family and disregard the rest.
3. Avoid Catastrophic Thinking.
Once you start searching for answers, it’s easy to spiral into catastrophic scenarios. You might become convinced that a minor issue signals a major health crisis. I’m aware that many serious conditions exist, but a small blemish on your baby’s skin doesn’t warrant panic. Limit your searches to one or two possibilities, then consult your doctor for guidance.
4. Steer Clear of the Comments Section.
This area often becomes a vortex of judgment and conflicting advice. I’ve wasted countless hours scrolling through comments, emerging disoriented and frustrated. No good can come from engaging in that digital chaos.
5. Trust Your Instincts.
This is perhaps the toughest lesson. It’s easy to second-guess ourselves. When in need of validation, lean on your trusted support network, whether online or in real life. Remember, your instincts are valuable; listen to them.
I still search online for parenting tips, as evidenced by my recent search history, which includes “mess-free toddler crafts.” However, I now approach online information with caution. More often than not, I trust my instincts. Occasionally, I call my mom for advice, even if her parenting was decades ago. I can almost hear her taking a drag from her cigarette before saying, “Honey, it’s just a phase. They’ll grow out of it. Trust yourself.” While it may not solve everything, it reassures me that my kids will be just fine, thanks to my love and instincts.
In the end, my maternal instincts, much like my mother’s advice, stem from love. And that’s what truly matters.
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