Is It Rude, Is It Mean, or Is It Bullying?

By: Emily Carson

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A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of presenting my work on bullying prevention to a group of enthusiastic children at a local bookstore. The experience was delightful, and to my surprise, a journalist attended the event and wrote a wonderful article about my book and my efforts with kids, parents, educators, and youth care professionals. The publicity led to numerous conversations in my community, as many recognized the bullying examples I discussed.

Since the article was published, I’ve often found myself in tears, listening to parents express their frustration and helplessness regarding their children’s bullying experiences at school. One particularly bright but socially awkward middle school student shared his heart-wrenching accounts of ongoing physical and verbal bullying on his school bus. An elementary-aged girl recounted how she felt pressured to lose her Australian accent within a month of starting school in the U.S. The frequency of these experiences is astonishing, and the cruelty often leaves me speechless.

It’s crucial to acknowledge that many stories of bullying I hear are appalling and, at times, unfathomably cruel. However, I also feel compelled to point out that some accounts may not be as severe. For instance, an acquaintance recently approached me after seeing my photo in the newspaper:

“Emily, I saw your picture last week. Congratulations! I didn’t know you worked with bullied students. Things have gotten so bad! Just last week, my daughter faced serious bullying after school! A kid from our neighborhood threw a handful of leaves right in her face when she was getting off the bus! She even had leaves stuck in her coat when she got home. It’s terrible! I’m at a loss for how to handle bullies,” she exclaimed.

“Was she upset?” I inquired, feeling empathetic.

“No, she brushed the leaves off and said they were just playing together,” she replied.

“Oh,” I said, understanding that children often try to minimize their experiences out of embarrassment. “Did it seem like she was covering for him?”

“No, she genuinely thought it was fun. She even threw leaves back at him! I told her to never do that again! Those kids certainly have some nerve,” she insisted.

“Were there others involved, or just the one boy?” I asked, trying to clarify the situation.

“Just that one boy who lives a block away,” she confirmed.

“Has he bothered her before?” I probed.

“No, this was the first time she mentioned him,” she said. “But it better be the last time! I won’t allow her to be bullied by him. Next time, I’ll make sure the principal knows about it!”

While I aim to validate everyone’s experiences—it’s the social worker in me—I suspect that this particular story was simply her way of striking up a conversation. Yet, I frequently encounter similar “alarming” (read: benign) tales and believe it is essential to differentiate between rudeness, meanness, and bullying. Renowned children’s author, Trudy Ludwig, introduced me to these distinctions, which I find incredibly helpful:

• Rude refers to unintentional actions or words that hurt someone. For example, a relative of mine (whose name I shall not mention) often comments on my curly red hair by saying, “Have you ever considered dyeing your hair?” or “I think you look more sophisticated with straight hair.” While these remarks sting, I recognize they come from a place of love, albeit misguided.
• Mean involves deliberate actions aimed at hurting someone once or twice. The key difference between rudeness and meanness is intent. Mean behavior intentionally aims to demean, whether through insults about clothing, intelligence, or anything else. Examples of mean comments include, “Are you really wearing that sweater again?” or “You’re so stupid.”
• Bullying is characterized by aggressive behavior that is intentional, repeated over time, and involves a power imbalance. Experts agree on three crucial aspects of bullying: intent to harm, a power disparity, and ongoing aggressive actions. Bullying can manifest in various forms, including physical aggression (hitting, kicking), verbal aggression (name-calling), relational aggression (exclusion, rumor spreading), and cyberbullying (using technology to harm).

Understanding these distinctions is vital. In today’s world of constant news cycles and social media, we have an unprecedented opportunity to address significant issues. Awareness of bullying has grown, leading to legislative changes and increased training for adults to support children. However, the misapplication of the term “bullying” can lead to a “cry wolf” scenario where the severity of actual bullying is diluted. It’s critical for educators, parents, and children to recognize when to intervene and differentiate between rudeness and bullying, as a child’s well-being may depend on it.

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Summary

This article distinguishes between rude, mean, and bullying behaviors, emphasizing the importance of understanding each category to effectively address children’s experiences. By recognizing these differences, adults can better support children and intervene appropriately in various situations.