Lifestyle
I am unwell. Sleep should be my refuge, but it eludes me. My partner has entered the room to comfort me while our children, also under the weather, wreak havoc on a cherished family keepsake. “You should get some rest,” he suggests. “You’ll feel better if you sleep.”
I shove his arm away and toss the blankets aside. “I can’t sleep. I can’t stop worrying about the socks I ordered.”
He looks confused. “The socks?”
“Yes, the knee-high ones I bought for the kids online. They keep invading my thoughts, sending waves of dread through me. And every time a lyric from Hamilton pops into my head, it triggers another panic attack. This occurs every five minutes.”
“But you adore Hamilton!”
“It doesn’t need to be logical. I think I might need a legally prescribed Xanax.”
This is generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), often simply referred to as “an anxiety disorder.” GAD is characterized by excessive worry about, well, almost everything. One moment you might be anxious about social interactions; the next, you could be fretting over traffic fatalities or the alarming decline of bee populations. Sometimes, the worries are trivial.
You might find yourself inexplicably anxious about whether your car will start in the morning, even though it’s been two years since it last failed. And while you know you could call for roadside assistance if the kids left the minivan door ajar and drained the battery, that knowledge offers little solace. You approach the car with unease and hold your breath until the engine roars to life, the dashboard lights blink on, and the battery gauge settles. You need it to work because driving the kids to school is a daily necessity, yet this anxiety plays out each morning.
There are also moments when you dread being the first parent to arrive at a park playdate. Why? You know the other moms will eventually show up. You don’t want to be tardy since it’s impolite, so you leave home early. But not so early that you can stop at your local coffee shop. You can’t bear the thought of sitting there alone for at least fifteen minutes until someone else arrives. What will your kids do without playmates? What about you without adult company? You don’t want to scroll through your phone, but the idea of pushing them on the swings is equally unappealing (let’s be honest: no one truly enjoys that).
Sure, you can observe them playing, but what if a stranger appears, and you’re left alone? You should have brought the dog. He’s a big, intimidating dog. Intellectually, you understand that you’ll arrive at the park, let the kids jump out of the car, and spend ten minutes on your phone until your mom friend shows up. Yet, the thought of those lonely minutes is agonizing, and there’s no obvious reason why.
Your worries extend to your children’s lives. You fret that they have too many toys, which might stifle their creativity. Yet, you fear that if you remove some toys, they will resent you forever, and isn’t it disrespectful to take away someone else’s belongings?
You worry about excessive screen time and its potential to curb their imagination. Then, you see them engrossed in Ninjago rather than inventing their own games and realize you need to restrict their video consumption. But mustering the energy to enforce that is daunting, especially since you know they rely on television to unwind.
You stress about the dogs stealing their food too frequently, fearing your kids will grow up preferring cats. You worry they don’t spend enough time outdoors. You fret that someone will notice mismatched socks, stained shirts, or that you forgot to clean the peanut butter and jelly off their faces. For someone grappling with GAD, children become both adorable and terrifying focal points of anxiety.
Laundry presents another inexplicable source of dread. Piles of clothes sit in your — wherever you keep your laundry baskets. Mine reside in the kitchen, and you may judge me, but those baskets loom over me, overflowing with whites, tormenting me with their presence. It takes ten overflowing baskets and a legally prescribed Klonopin for me to sort them. Even when I do, I leave the laundry in baskets outside the kids’ drawers, because I simply don’t have time to fold. I worry about what others think, especially the babysitter. I make jokes like, “I’m too busy creating art with the kids to fold laundry.” Now I’m anxious that you’re judging me for fibbing.
Ah, the babysitter. You cannot understand the anxiety that accompanies hiring one unless you have GAD. First, there’s the fear that she’ll deem your home a disaster worthy of intervention. Thus, you must clean everything, particularly the bathrooms (because boys can be messy) and the kids’ rooms (which look like a Lego explosion occurred). You beg her to enforce tidiness, recalling that one time when they didn’t clean up, and you returned home in tears. Once you leave, you pray she has the sense to keep them safe and knows how to perform the Heimlich maneuver if needed.
Essentially, living with GAD means you disproportionately fear both logical dangers (like car accidents) and completely harmless situations. Don’t try to rationalize this for us; it won’t work. If we could just switch off this relentless anxiety, we would. No amount of reasoning will convince us that laundry baskets aren’t terrifying or that the babysitter will manage just fine. We can’t talk ourselves out of it; we must exist in this anxious reality, one fear at a time.
For many, medications provide relief. So does therapy. And a nonjudgmental hug can work wonders. As terrifying as it is, having someone willing to share that space with you makes a difference. You don’t need to comprehend; you just need to be present. And maybe help out with the laundry.
For further insights on overcoming challenges related to mental health, check out this other blog post here.
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Summary
Living with generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a complex experience filled with irrational fears and overwhelming worries that can disrupt everyday life. From anxiety about mundane tasks like laundry to social situations, those with GAD face unique challenges. While medication and therapy can help, the presence of understanding individuals in their lives can provide significant comfort.