As a parent, I often find myself questioning my choices. Am I doing the right thing? Am I letting my children down in some way? Am I a good mom? It’s a common struggle; few parents feel completely at ease with their role, and even fewer had exemplary role models in their own parents.
For me, my upbringing provided a clear contrast to the nurturing environment I aim to create for my kids. My parents serve as perfect examples of what not to do when raising children.
From an early age, I sensed that my parents may not have truly wanted children. My arrival, marked by an unexpected pregnancy, seemed to complicate their lives significantly. Although I received affection in the form of hugs and “I love yous,” I perceived a lingering sentiment of obligation rather than genuine love. I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was a disconnect between their words and their feelings.
Their divorce happened while I was in kindergarten, shattering the comforting narratives adults tried to offer me. My parents’ tumultuous relationship was marked by anger and resentment. My mother, overwhelmed and disillusioned with her life, often projected her frustrations onto me, while my father oscillated between being absent and being a source of disappointment. His inconsistent presence left me feeling unwanted and confused.
I have to acknowledge that children can be difficult, and I have lost my temper with my own at times. I understand the struggle, but I refuse to let that anger dictate how I treat them. I remember the hurt that comes from a parent’s rage, the embarrassment of being told you’re unloved, and the feeling of being an unwanted burden.
My parents illustrated the importance of unconditional love. They inadvertently taught me that raising children means ensuring they feel valued and cherished. No matter the challenges I face, I strive to show my kids every day that they are wanted and loved. My affection is not based on obligation; it stems from a deep desire to nurture and support them. I remind them constantly, from the moment they wake to when they drift off to sleep: “I love you.”
While I know I’m not perfect, my children never doubt my love for them. I want them to feel secure in the knowledge that I chose to be their mother and I cherish that role.
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In summary, my parents’ shortcomings as role models have shaped my parenting philosophy. I’ve learned the value of showing unconditional love and ensuring my children always feel wanted. I aim to provide them with the stability and affection I felt was lacking in my own childhood.