A few years back, my father expressed regret for being preoccupied during my upbringing. He wrote, “I’m truly sorry for that. I hope you always felt my love.” He didn’t elaborate on his apology, as I already understood. I remember those days clearly.
What stands out even more is the routine I had after school for over a decade. Each day, I would walk across campus to my dad’s office. Upon arrival, I would see him at his desk, surrounded by heaps of papers and books. The empty chair next to him, likely intended for a colleague or student, always felt like it was meant for me.
He would look up, smile warmly, and cap the black felt-tip pen he used for grading and notes. This gesture was my cue that he wanted to hear about my day. Sometimes I shared brief snippets; other times, I’d excitedly recount dramatic school events. My dad would listen intently, nodding along and sometimes chiming in, all the while radiating the joy of hearing about my life.
This was our routine from my early years through high school. I don’t recall a time he turned me away, even when he was engrossed in his dissertation or dealing with faculty challenges. When I spoke, my father was fully present.
While he wasn’t perfect—losing his temper at times or battling his own demons—he was always there to listen. Contrary to the belief that providing complete attention fosters self-centeredness, I believe that attentive parenting cultivates a sense of importance in a child’s voice.
When children know their opinions are valued, they gain the confidence to advocate for themselves and others, make wise decisions, and acknowledge their mistakes. During pivotal moments in my life, I could have remained silent, but instead, I found my voice because my dad always listened.
Now, as a parent to two wonderful girls, I’m committed to passing on my father’s invaluable gift of listening. Over the past decade, I’ve adopted five effective strategies to reinforce their belief in the significance of their voices. These practices are simple and can seamlessly become part of daily life with intention. Here are six impactful ways to ensure your children feel heard:
- Be Present When They Speak: When your child talks to you, pause what you’re doing and give them your full attention. This simple act shows that their words matter, laying the groundwork for deeper conversations as they mature. If your days are hectic, designate a specific time for uninterrupted talk—perhaps during bedtime or right after school. My eldest daughter initiated “talk time” at bedtime when she was three, and we still cherish this time together years later.
- Honor Their Expression: Children may take time to articulate their thoughts, and that’s perfectly fine. Resist the urge to finish their sentences or correct their memories. Allowing them the space to express themselves reinforces their voice and confidence.
- Encourage Independence in Communication: When my kids have something to convey to a coach or server, I encourage them to practice what they want to say and speak for themselves. I vividly recall a parent-teacher conference when my daughter bravely shared her discomfort with a classmate. Her ability to voice her feelings was empowering and crucial for her development.
- Recognize Their Expertise: Celebrate their strengths, no matter how trivial they may seem. When my younger daughter helped me locate our car in a crowded parking lot, I dubbed her “The Parking Lot Expert,” a title she still proudly holds today.
- Pause Before Reacting to Challenging News: When your children share troubling information, take a moment to respond thoughtfully. Acknowledge their trust in you with phrases like, “Thank you for sharing this with me.” This approach opens the door for ongoing dialogue and reassures them that they can come to you with anything.
- Engage with Your Whole Being: Truly listen with your eyes, ears, and heart. One day, your children will be faced with tough situations, and they’ll remember your attentiveness. When they feel their voice is heard and valued, it can profoundly impact their lives.
Parenting is undoubtedly challenging, filled with days of ups and downs. On tough days, resist labeling yourself as a failure. Instead, focus on the one essential act you can commit to: listening.
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Summary
The essence of impactful parenting lies in active listening. By prioritizing our children’s voices through simple yet effective strategies, we empower them to express themselves, build confidence, and foster meaningful connections.