The first encounter with my son’s birth mother was far from warm. She shot me a scowl that could easily intimidate anyone. This was my initial experience as a foster parent, and our “ice breaker” meeting occurred unexpectedly during a visit when the supervisor had briefly left the room. Having grown up in the foster care system herself, she was accustomed to navigating child services and viewed the county—and me—as adversaries.
I regret to admit that I was indifferent to her feelings at the time. My sole focus was on her child, which is as it should have been, yet I failed to appreciate the emotional turmoil she was undergoing. Instead, I found myself judging her.
Initially, my husband and I had no intentions of adopting; we were fostering simply because we wanted to help. We were inexperienced and unaware of the emotional challenges that come with foster parenting. The certification process took us 11 long months, and as soon as we were certified, we informed our worker that we were open to fostering one child, ideally under the age of six. We wanted to set ourselves up for success. Our worker cautioned us that placements usually involved sibling groups and that it could take a while. We were fine with waiting. However, just hours later, a 1-month-old baby arrived at our doorstep, and our lives were irrevocably changed.
As time passed, we navigated the usual ups and downs: court hearings, psychological assessments, and visits with parents that were sometimes no-shows. I didn’t often see the birth mother, but when I did, I tried to be supportive and friendly. My priority was to care for her son and assist in her quest to reunite with him. Yet, I often told myself, “She didn’t deserve him,” and “She should have made better choices.” My judgment filled every free moment.
About eight months into the case, a significant change occurred. She entered a residential program aimed at helping her achieve sobriety and fulfill her safety plan. Despite her substantial progress, my judgment persisted.
Visits became routine. I would text the supervisor when we arrived, and she would take the baby inside. Afterward, she would return him to me. Occasionally, I would catch the birth mother glaring at me through the window—until one day, she surprised me. The night before, there had been flowers at the dining table in the residential home. After her visit the next day, she approached me, carrying the baby and holding out a small bouquet tied with string. “I want to honor you and thank you. Happy Mother’s Day,” she said.
That moment profoundly impacted me. We both felt overwhelmed with emotion, hugging and shedding tears together. For the first time, I truly saw her—her vulnerability, fear, and sorrow. Her gesture deeply moved me, shifting my perspective. From that day forward, I became the supporter I should have been from the start: a cheerleader and a source of encouragement rather than judgment. Our relationship improved significantly, and I began to look forward to sharing milestones of the baby’s development with her. I even created a photo album documenting his first year. She began to feel like family, and I found myself torn between my desire to keep my son and my hope for her success.
While I cherish that tender moment, I also grapple with guilt. I wish I had been the one to reach out first. I am in awe of her strength to extend her hand toward me. She has overcome tremendous obstacles in her life, and although she continues to face challenges, she embodies resilience. I’m beginning to recognize those same characteristics in my son, which fills me with pride. I am grateful he has inherited such qualities from her.
That day marked the turning point when I ceased to judge her and every other birth mother we encountered during our three years as foster parents. Witnessing her humanity revealed the similarities between us. It highlighted how fortunate many of us are to grow up in stable environments, and how easily my own circumstances could have mirrored hers.
Foster parenting is a challenging journey, full of emotional highs and lows that can leave anyone feeling dizzy. My husband and I emerged from our foster care experience with an adopted son and nine other children who will forever hold a place in our hearts, along with a wealth of love and a diminished capacity for judgment.
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Summary:
This article recounts the transformative journey of a foster mother, Laura, who initially judged her son’s birth mother but later learned to empathize with her struggles. Through a heartfelt encounter, Laura recognized the shared humanity and resilience between them, leading to a deeper connection and a more supportive relationship. The narrative emphasizes the emotional challenges of foster parenting, the importance of understanding, and the growth that comes from seeing others as they truly are.