The Inappropriate Comment to Avoid When Engaging with a Grieving Parent

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Grief knows no boundaries and can strike at any moment, whether you’re at home or out in public. For parents who have lost a child, the weight of that loss can be overwhelming. I learned this firsthand after the passing of two of my triplets four years ago. Recently, during a seemingly normal outing at a local park, I was reminded of this reality in an unexpected way.

As I observed the playground through my sunglasses, I spotted my daughter, a spirited 4-year-old, climbing the slide instead of descending it. The sun was shining brightly, and other mothers were engaged in casual conversation while keeping an eye on their children.

“Is she your only child?” a mother sitting beside me inquired. My heart raced as I weighed my response. Should I reveal the truth, risking an awkward silence, or simply say, “Yes, she’s my only child”?

Feeling unusually comfortable that day, I opted for honesty. I shared that my daughter is our miracle child, the sole surviving triplet, and that her brother and sister had passed away shortly after birth. The mother’s reaction was one I had encountered before—shock mixed with sympathy. However, her subsequent comment caught me off guard: “Oh, I’m sorry. At least you have your daughter.”

Heat rushed to my face as I struggled to suppress my tears. Yes, my daughter is indeed a remarkable blessing, but that does not diminish the heartache of losing her siblings. In that moment, I was tempted to ask her, “Which of your children would you be willing to part with?” Instead, I held my tongue, allowing my tears to flow quietly.

For parents like me, who navigate the complexities of raising a family while mourning those who have passed, hearing that “at least you have one child” feels like a wound being reopened. In a culture that often shies away from discussing child loss, many individuals may feel uncomfortable broaching the subject. However, many grieving parents long for the opportunity to talk about their lost children. We cherish hearing their names spoken and sharing memories of their brief lives.

As I watched my surviving child thrive, I marveled at her resilience. She defied the odds, having been born over 17 weeks prematurely and weighing just 1 pound. You would never know the challenges she faced in those early days, as she has grown into a vibrant little girl. I am grateful every day that she is here, and I cannot forget the siblings who are no longer with us.

Reflecting on the mother’s comment, I recognized that she likely meant no offense and simply struggled to find the right words, opting for small talk that many parents engage in at the park. I glanced at her children playing joyfully and smiled through my tears. Yes, I have my daughter, but I also hold the memories of my other children close to my heart. They will never be forgotten; I see my daughter laughing here on earth while her siblings watch over her from above.

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In summary, while intentions may be good, it is essential to approach the topic of child loss with sensitivity and awareness, as comments that seem benign can have a profound impact on grieving parents.