In Philip Larkin’s poignant poem, “This Be The Verse,” he articulates a universal truth: “They mess you up, your mum and dad./ They may not intend to, but they do.” This sentiment resonates with many individuals who grapple with the impact of their upbringing. While some parents commit grievous acts, many more err in less dramatic but equally damaging ways. They may raise their voices too often, conceal their true emotions, belittle their children, overlook signs of mental health struggles, or fail to provide the affection their offspring desperately need. Consequently, many children grow up feeling unloved.
My own parents exhibited these behaviors and more. I frequently faced harsh words, with my mother often exclaiming, “What’s wrong with you?!” On the rare occasion I saw her cry, it sent me into a panic; her tears were as foreign to me as the concept of emotional vulnerability. I was often labeled as overly sensitive or lacking common sense. In reality, I contend with a severe anxiety disorder, depression, and mild ADHD, often feeling deprived of adequate love and support during my formative years.
When I attended college 600 miles away, I was eager to escape the emotional turmoil of my childhood. However, as we transition into adulthood, we are faced with a pivotal decision: do we sever ties with the parents who contributed to our struggles, or do we choose to maintain those relationships? After much introspection, therapy, and even guidance from a well-known advice columnist, I reached a pivotal decision amid my parents’ divorce: I would keep them in my life.
Despite their toxic tendencies, which include bouts of silence that can last for months, I recognize the value of familial connections. My parents often treat me as a barometer of their well-being; they reach out during moments of pride, such as when I was published in the Washington Post, yet they vanish during my struggles, such as when I experience a mental health crisis. My mother tends to dismiss my mental health issues as trivial, while my father struggles with his own demons, including excessive drinking and infidelity. Despite these shortcomings, I acknowledge their efforts.
They were raised in an era that stigmatized mental illness, often shrouding it in euphemisms, which contributed to their inability to fully support me. My father has even apologized for not securing the treatment I needed as a child, even if he deflected some responsibility onto my mother. They were exhausted and overburdened, doing their best in an era where support was scarce. Notably, when my mental health challenges intensified, my parents went so far as to buy me a horse, a gesture that ultimately helped lift me from a dark place.
Their attempts at support, whether through attending my events or encouraging my academic pursuits, reflect their intentions. I refuse to overlook their efforts, and it is this recognition that compels me to maintain our relationship.
Yet, this journey is not without its challenges. There have been prolonged periods of silence due to unresolved tensions. Family dynamics can be complex, especially when it comes to health issues and communication. Nevertheless, despite the imperfections and past grievances, I choose to keep my parents in my life for my children’s sake as well. My kids adore their grandparents, unburdened by the history that complicates my own feelings. They view their grandparents as sources of joy, bringing love, toys, and adventures.
My mother has a unique ability to soothe my children to sleep, and during difficult times, she has stepped in to help. My father, though flawed, yearns to bond with my boys over fishing trips and proudly shares my accomplishments with others. Their love, albeit imperfect, is evident.
In conclusion, while my parents exhibit certain toxic traits, I find that with age, these tendencies have somewhat softened. However, this realization only came after a long process of forgiveness—both for my past and for their present shortcomings. If their imperfections do not harm anyone significantly, it may be beneficial to maintain those relationships. This is deeply personal, and for some, distancing may be necessary. I once believed such a choice was best for me, but I now recognize the strain that severing ties can place on other family connections. Ultimately, my decision to keep my parents has not been the worst one I’ve made; it has allowed me to preserve my family unit and offers a potential model of forgiveness for my children.
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In summary, the decision to maintain or sever parental relationships is complex and deeply personal. It requires weighing past grievances against potential future support and love.