My son, a remarkable child, is the most affectionate, intelligent, and beautiful little being I have ever known. He has been with me for 22 months (though I share him with my spouse, who can claim half the joy of parenthood), and the experience of motherhood has been everything I wished for and nothing like my previous fears. I am filled with happiness.
However, this little marvel is also the source of more anxiety than I have ever known. The stress from graduate school exams, recovering from an eating disorder, and juggling two jobs pales in comparison to the worry that now fills my mind.
This unease is not due to any shortcomings on my son’s part; he does nothing wrong. Nevertheless, I must admit publicly for the first time that we are concerned he may be on the autism spectrum. Processing this notion has been challenging.
I understand that a formal diagnosis cannot be given until a child reaches at least two years of age. Our developmental pediatrician has made it clear that he is simply too young for an accurate evaluation. Thus, we find ourselves in a waiting period until our next appointment, which will occur shortly after his second birthday, to assess and possibly identify his developmental challenges.
Until that time, we are in limbo, waiting for the autism diagnosis.
Please do not mistake this for an overreaction, nor for a case of Munchausen syndrome by proxy, or projecting my anxieties onto my innocent child. This waiting period, roughly two months in duration, results from 22 months of careful observation as we have come to know our son deeply. Our decision to consult a developmental pediatrician was not made lightly, nor were my countless hours of research online mere whimsy.
My son has not yet begun to speak. He does not point or wave hello. He has met every developmental milestone late, not walking until he was 17 months old. He displays repetitive behaviors, such as incessantly flipping light switches and opening and closing cupboard doors. His eye contact is limited, and he prefers solitary play, except during our reading sessions—where he insists on repeating the same book multiple times.
Of course, these traits alone do not confirm he is on the spectrum. He might simply be a quirky child, as both his parents are. Yet, when these signs combine, I feel a surge of concern. They prompted me to seek out a developmental pediatrician and broach this topic, which took me months to muster the courage to consider.
So here we remain, waiting for what lies ahead.
In the meantime, I feel a strong urge to connect. I want to reach out for support and information, to find others who share similar experiences. I also wish to let anyone else navigating this waiting period for an autism diagnosis know they are not alone. It can be quite isolating to stand at the threshold of special needs, desperately seeking a glimpse of what the future may hold. I often find myself comparing my son to other toddlers his age, hesitating to respond to inquiries about his speech and development, curating a Facebook image of a perfect child while my anxiety simmers beneath the surface as I update my status.
Despite my best efforts, my thoughts often spiral, replaying endless “what-if” scenarios. Will he require a special preschool? Will he be in the same classes as typically developing children? What about college? What does his adult life look like?
This worry can be overwhelming, and the only means I know to alleviate this inner turmoil is through writing. I write to clarify my thoughts, to tell our story, and to shed light on our journey for those seeking solace in the dark uncertainty of worrying for their child.
No discussion of this topic would be complete without acknowledging the redeeming qualities of my son and the unconditional love I have for him. His intelligence is evident; he quickly solves problems, adapts to new environments, and responds emotionally to situations. He has even learned to seek our attention and express his needs without verbal communication. Moreover, he has stopped being overly rough with our cat while attempting to pet her. His positive traits reassure me that my little boy is developing his unique personality and understanding his place within our family.
As for love, we have it in abundance. Regardless of the outcome of the diagnosis we anticipate, nothing will change our commitment to providing our son with the necessary resources to thrive and lead a fulfilling life. We will advocate for him, encourage him, and remind him daily of our pride, because he is perfect just as he is—diagnosis or not. Although the wait is excruciating, it does not have to dictate our outlook on the future.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, waiting for an autism diagnosis, do not lose hope. Your family will navigate this, and you will too. You will do what is needed for your child, just as all parents strive to do, and you will emerge from this experience stronger. Focus on the love, and everything else will eventually fall into place. That is my plan as we wait.
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Summary:
Awaiting an autism diagnosis for a child can be a challenging and isolating experience for parents. The journey involves observing developmental milestones and navigating fears and uncertainties. It’s important to connect with supportive communities and resources, emphasizing that love and advocacy remain central throughout the process.