My Perspective as a ‘Bonus Mom’ to Three Incredible Kids

In a casual family gathering, while playing together, I was asked a poignant question by our daughter, “Do you prefer to be called an extra-mom or a stepmom? I’m not fond of the term stepmom.” Her inquiry prompted a warm smile from me, as I had a clear answer that resonated deeply.

“I actually prefer the term ‘bonus’ rather than ‘step’ or ‘extra.’ A bonus is an unexpected joy, something that enhances your life, and that’s how I see you—my bonus kids! I never anticipated being part of your lives, but I feel incredibly fortunate to be here,” I replied. Her face lit up with understanding as she exclaimed, “Perfect! You are my bonus-mom!”

Reflecting on Early Days

Reflecting on the early days when I first became involved with my bonus-children, we didn’t concern ourselves with labels or definitions. Our sons were just toddlers, and our daughter was barely four; such questions about roles were not on their radar. I never gave much thought to the term ‘stepmom,’ as it felt distant and removed. The idea behind “step” suggests a separation, particularly in biological terms. While I acknowledged that these children were not biologically mine, my connection to them was far from detached. I actively participated in their daily lives alongside my partner, who was a stay-at-home mom, and my commitment to parenting was unwavering.

The Essence of Being a Bonus Parent

For me, the essence of being a bonus parent stems from my personal outlook on family. Growing up in a blended family, I learned early that love transcends biology. I observed my half-sister affectionately call my biological father “Dad,” despite the technical designation of being her “stepfather.” My bond with my stepsiblings blossomed quickly, and I even formed a close relationship with their mother, who became another maternal figure in my life. These nontraditional family dynamics taught me that love is about connection, not just blood ties.

As I envisioned my future family, I realized my deepest desire was simply to be a parent—providing love, guidance, and support to children. When I fell in love with a woman who had three children, my feelings were straightforward: I loved her, and consequently, I loved her children as extensions of her.

Challenges of Being a Bonus Parent

It’s important to acknowledge that many adults in similar situations experience complexities that can hinder bonding with their partner’s children. Factors such as the children’s ages, the dynamics with their other biological parent, or previous parenting experiences can complicate these relationships. However, in our scenario, the situation was relatively uncomplicated. I had love to give, and my partner had children who were already receiving parental care but could benefit from additional love.

Despite the joy of being a bonus-parent, unique challenges are inherent in this role. Our children navigate between two households, sharing time between their biological parents and us. This division is perhaps the most challenging aspect of being a bonus-parent; although we cherish the time we have, it is not a daily occurrence. Yet, the beauty of parenting, regardless of the label, is that these children remain an integral part of our lives and hearts, even when they’re not physically present.

Lessons Learned

This lesson about cherishing moments is one that all parents learn, but perhaps those of us who share children must learn it sooner. While it can be difficult, I choose to view this reality as an opportunity to appreciate every moment we have together, as those moments are often fleeting.

I cannot assert that my love for these children mirrors that of a biological mother’s love. I cannot claim that my feelings would be the same had I biological children of my own. Such comparisons are impossible for me to make. What I can affirm is that these children are an essential part of my life, deserving of my unwavering support and affection. They occupy a significant space in my heart, and I am grateful for the imprint they have left on my life, whether they are beside me or out exploring the world.

Further Insights

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Conclusion

In summary, my journey as a bonus mom has been marked by love, challenges, and profound connections. The bonds formed with my bonus kids have enriched my life, teaching me the invaluable lesson that family is defined by love rather than biology.