As the autumn leaves danced around my vehicle, the warm November air gently swayed the nearly barren branches lining the street. During my commute, I absorbed a profound insight from NPR. Kenneth Lonergan, an acclaimed director and writer, shared compelling thoughts about coping with loss. He articulated a fundamental truth: moving on is fundamentally different from moving forward.
To move on from a loss can often imply a desire to forget the event, the grief, and the emotional turmoil it brings. It suggests that the significance of that loss has diminished, though it may still deeply resonate within us. The idea of moving on implies a return to a pre-loss state of normalcy, which trivializes the experience. However, the reality of loss is far more complex; we do not simply move on.
My most significant loss occurred when I was 28 years old. Expecting my first child, my partner and I were filled with anticipation. However, we soon faced the stark reality that joy does not always accompany pregnancy. Instead of envisioning a bright future, we encountered despair and heartbreak that felt physically unbearable. Some pregnancies culminate in losses that are so sudden and tragic that they strike the heart with a chilling intensity.
When our daughter, Emma, was born at 20 weeks, she lived for a brief hour and a half. We cherished every moment in that hospital room, holding her fragile form as a family of three. In that instant, our pregnancy concluded; yet we did not move on from it. Instead, we moved forward—with Emma, carrying her memory with us.
In the days following her passing, we were confronted with heart-wrenching decisions: burial or cremation, wording for the obituary, and selecting an urn for Emma’s final resting place. Battling tears, we navigated the depths of our grief, carrying the love we held for our daughter as we supported one another through our darkest days. We chose to push forward, with Emma ever-present in our hearts.
Life persisted around us—work responsibilities piled up, household chores beckoned, and our loyal dog, Max, yearned for our attention. The weight of sorrow often overshadowed joy, and memories from a time without such profound loss felt as distant as tiny boats on tumultuous seas. We continued to navigate daily life, fighting to rediscover our identities and seeking meaning amidst the grief. Yet, we held on to the hope that, eventually, we would experience moments of joy once more.
Emma’s urn rested on our dresser, protected within a velvet box. Each night, her doll-sized basket remained close by. In the months after her passing, my sister created a memory book that captured the fragments of our pregnancy. Adorning my right ring finger is a silver band engraved with the birthstones of our four children: Emma, two siblings lost to early miscarriages, and our rainbow baby, Lily. Each morning, my partner carefully fastens a silver chain around his neck, which holds tiny footprints representing both Emma and Lily, placing it on the nightstand each night.
Our jewelry often intrigues our observant toddler. As she explores the shiny stones, we share with her stories of her big sister, conveying how deeply she is loved and how Emma watches over her as her guardian angel.
Life continued—whether we were ready or not. We made dinners, packed diaper bags, attended to home maintenance, and celebrated holidays. Through it all, we moved forward while carrying our grief and the cherished memories of our daughter. Although the burden of grief has diminished over time, it remains a constant companion.
Most days, reflecting on Emma brings a gentle warmth to my heart, yet certain triggers can evoke unexpected tears. Words can resonate deeply, illuminating emotions I never knew existed before my loss. Carrying Emma with me enriches my empathy as we strive to create a space where happiness and heartbreak coexist. Moving forward allows us to embrace the full spectrum of human emotion.
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In summary, moving forward from loss does not mean forgetting; rather, it involves integrating that loss into our lives and finding a way to coexist with both our grief and our hopes for the future.