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Your Child’s Lack of Gratitude Is Developmentally Normal and They Will Likely Thrive
By: Jamie Prescott
In the realm of parenting, the aspiration to cultivate courteous and respectful individuals is a common goal. Many parents initiate the teaching of phrases such as “please” and “thank you” even before their children can articulate words. For instance, when my daughter would reach for a snack, I would prompt her, “What do you say?” When I finally handed her the treat, I felt a sense of accomplishment if she spontaneously expressed gratitude. However, simply teaching children these polite expressions does not necessarily foster genuine gratitude. These phrases often become mere habitual responses, devoid of true meaning. In reality, a genuinely grateful child is a rarity; thus, it is essential to recognize that having an unappreciative child is quite typical.
Children naturally center their existence around their immediate desires, and no amount of reasoning about their privileges or forced community service will alter this perspective. At their stage of development, they are largely incapable of extending their thoughts beyond their own wants. It can be disheartening when a child reacts negatively upon being informed that you won’t purchase a toy or candy they desire. However, this behavior does not reflect poor parenting, despite the inevitable criticism from other parents.
I once made the mistake of attempting to guilt my then-4-year-old, Oliver, into donating some of his toys by highlighting how fortunate he was compared to other children who lacked toys. I naively believed that by appealing to his kind nature, I could encourage him to share while simultaneously decluttering our home. The outcome was not what I anticipated. Rather than willingly parting with any possessions, he responded with tears, expressing sadness for those less fortunate, but ultimately asked if we could buy toys for them—and, of course, a new toy for himself.
Efforts to instill gratitude in young children often result in either indifference or unintended consequences. For instance, cancelling holidays to teach lessons about gratitude may save money but could create a negative atmosphere that diminishes the festive spirit for everyone involved. Similarly, enforcing community service may not yield the desired results and could lead to frustration when children distract adults who are genuinely trying to help others.
As children mature, they begin to develop empathy, which can provide an opportunity to channel parental intentions into productive lessons. Even simple practices, such as encouraging children to set aside a portion of their allowance for charitable causes, can lay the groundwork for compassionate behavior. However, if your children exhibit their self-centered tendencies well into their teenage years, it may be time to reassess your approach.
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In summary, while it can be challenging to navigate the ungratefulness of young children, it is crucial to remember that this behavior is typical of their developmental stage. With time, patience, and the right guidance, children can learn to appreciate the world around them.
