In the world of marriage, a bit of compromise is par for the course—and that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
While running a tutoring center at a university, I found myself in an unexpected conversation with one of my student employees, Jake, who was in his early twenties and a student athlete from a comfortable background. We somehow stumbled into the topic of his future wife, and, boy, did he have a checklist that sounded like he was hunting for a mythical creature!
Jake’s Ideal Woman
Jake kicked off his ideal woman’s description with looks—like so many young men do. He wanted someone who was neither too tall nor too short, with the perfect hair color and breast size. She had to be curvy in the right places but not too curvy overall. Intelligence and humor were must-haves, along with a supportive nature. He wanted his dream girl to be athletic, a gamer, and fantastic with kids—oh, and great in bed too! Add to that a chill demeanor combined with a passionate interest in social causes, and a dash of fashion sense without any snobbery.
He went on and on, clearly having put a lot of thought into this. When he finally paused, I asked, “What’s your plan when this ideal woman changes?”
He looked taken aback. “What do you mean?”
I pressed on: “What happens when she’s more focused on the kids than on that athletic lifestyle you love? What if she decides gaming is lame and pursues a law degree instead? Or if she has a tough pregnancy that changes her body in ways you didn’t expect? Will you still love her when she’s wearing yoga pants and Crocs, juggling kids and trying to find time for herself?”
Reflections on My Own Marriage
We sat in silence for what felt like an eternity. I couldn’t help but reflect on my own marriage. After 13 years and three kids, I can’t quite remember what my expectations for my future wife, Sarah, were in my twenties, but I bet they were similar to Jake’s. When Sarah and I first met, I thought she was absolutely perfect. I’m not sure what her husband criteria were, but for this story, I’ll assume I checked all the boxes.
Fast forward to today, and we’ve both changed quite a bit. I’ve packed on a few extra pounds, switched careers a couple of times, and somehow turned into a snoring machine. I don’t even close the bathroom door all the way anymore! I’m starting to lose my hair, and let’s not even talk about the frequency of my flatulence. My wardrobe consists mainly of work polos and cargo shorts.
Sarah has transformed too. She’s become a vegetarian (which was a fun adjustment for me), gone back to school unexpectedly, and occasionally skips showers because, well, kids! Her once-brown hair now has a sprinkle of gray.
Embracing Change Together
Despite all these changes, we still love each other, though we can definitely push each other’s buttons. Like that time I wiped a booger under the seat of her new van—yikes, that was almost a dealbreaker! Or the time she got a speeding ticket and kept it from me for over a year.
None of these changes have been relationship-ending. Sure, we have our quirks and disagreements about parenting, but to make our marriage work, we’ve both had to settle a bit. The reality is, the idealized partner we envisioned in our twenties isn’t who we are today, and that’s perfectly okay.
I told Jake, “Look for someone who matches what you want now, but remember, it’s not just about that checklist. You need someone who will grow with you. Change is inevitable, and finding someone who can embrace both your transformations is key to a lasting marriage.”
He seemed to take it in, though I wondered if he really grasped it. Anyone reading this who has been married for a few years knows the truth: if you ever were a perfect match, that’s probably changed. Accepting each other’s imperfections and growing together is what long-term commitment is all about. And it’s a beautiful journey.
Further Reading
For more insights on this topic, you can check out this blog post. If you’re navigating the world of fertility and home insemination, these resources are also quite helpful, as is this page on pregnancy basics.
Conclusion
In summary, settling a little in marriage doesn’t mean you’re lowering your standards; it means you’re choosing to love and grow with your partner through all the changes life throws your way.