The other day, I found myself on a quest that could only be described as epic—I drove to not one, not two, but three stores in search of my beloved Equal sweetener packets for my daily coffee ritual. To my utter disbelief, every single store had bare shelves, and the backrooms were just as empty. (Trust me, I asked.) This can only mean one thing: The end times are upon us.
In a panic, I promptly ordered two giant boxes from Amazon (thank goodness for Prime shipping!) and shared my caffeine crisis on social media. Brace yourselves, everyone—no Equal sweetener means fresh chaos is on the horizon! How are we supposed to function without our sweet fix?
Predictably, my well-meaning friends jumped in with their “helpful” suggestions for sugar substitutes. “JUST USE REAL SUGAR!” they shouted from their internet soapboxes. Raw sugar! Cane sugar! Coconut sugar! Honestly, I had no idea there were so many sugar options. Sure, I get the allure of the natural stuff, but with my coffee consumption (about 10 cups daily, no exaggeration) and the amount of sweetener I use, I’d have to spend a lifetime at the gym to burn it all off. And who has time for that?
Plus, the latest USDA dietary guidelines suggest we should limit ourselves to just 10 teaspoons of sugar per day, which wouldn’t even cover my morning coffee alone. Meanwhile, the amount of Equal I can safely consume? Seventy-five packets! That’s right, 75! Take that, sugar snobs!
“Artificial sweeteners are going to kill you!” they warned. My response? FAKE NEWS. Experts have debunked those poorly conducted animal studies and questionable PR campaigns that falsely connected artificial sweeteners to cancer.
Even if artificial sweeteners were harmful, that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Because honestly, a life without coffee and my two Equals is not worth living.
Here’s the thing: I’ve tried the alternatives. Sweet’N Low tastes like powdered despair and makes my tongue tingle (and not in a fun way). Agave nectar is just too fancy for me, and Stevia is downright revolting. A friend who can’t have sugar due to health issues swears by Splenda. Umm… okay, fine, whatever. Just pass me the blue packets of Equal, and we’ll avoid any drama.
Folks, I appreciate your concern, but you’ll have to wrestle my fake sugar from my tightly clenched hands. Because I’m never letting it go.
Sure, I may have previously conquered a minor addiction to fake butter spray, but honestly? I don’t want to give this up. I’m 40 years old, and you can’t make me.
Let’s face it: There’s a lot of sadness and frustration in the world. Fake sugar brings me happiness. Well, Equal sweetener, specifically. You can keep your nasty pink packets. Coffee fuels my entire existence, and without a hint of sweetness, it’s just bitter water. So please, just hand over my sweetener and let’s avoid unnecessary arguments.
After some lively discussions online, it’s clear everyone has their own favorite sweetener and believes theirs is the best. Who knew? So, let’s agree to disagree. You keep pouring that bitter sludge, and I’ll stick to my joyful blue packets of Equal.
Now, if you want to debate fake creamer, that’s a whole different story.
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In summary, I’m fiercely committed to my artificial sweetener habit, and I’m not budging. The world may be filled with alternatives, but I’ll cling to my blue packets of joy.