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Understanding My Struggles with Childhood Emotional Neglect
It all starts when my pre-teen storms around the house looking for her missing favorite T-shirt. Or when my partner comes home from a rough day at work, wearing a scowl and not uttering a word. Even my dad chimes in with complaints about how I haven’t been checking in on him enough. And it doesn’t stop there; a colleague might compliment my work, or a friend might say something nice about me, and I just freeze up.
I never quite know how to react or what’s expected of me. Emotions flicker just out of reach, only to vanish before I can pin them down. It reminds me of erasing notes off a whiteboard before I had the chance to read them.
If the situation is negative, my initial numbness can quickly shift to anger or shame as I defend myself against rejection that I feel acutely. I scramble to figure out what I may have done wrong. If nothing stands out, I often end up feeling like there’s something fundamentally flawed about me, making me unlovable, and I retreat.
When the words are positive, I feel incredibly uneasy. I can’t comprehend why anyone would think I’m special. It makes me feel like a fraud, and I worry that the truth will come out. I get anxious, thinking I need to prove I deserve any positive attention I receive.
For years, I’ve hidden my feelings of overwhelm and discomfort, never understanding why emotional interactions leave me feeling like my ears are buzzing, my stomach is empty, and my heart feels hollow. Connecting with others, even those I genuinely love, can be a significant challenge.
Then, during a deep dive into online research for a piece, I stumbled upon a term called childhood emotional neglect (CEN). Coined by clinical psychologist Jonice Webb, CEN refers to “a parent’s failure to sufficiently respond to a child’s emotional needs.” When this happens, children are left questioning whether their feelings are valid, leading to self-doubt and a poor self-image.
When you receive the message that your feelings aren’t worth acknowledging, your sense of value diminishes. Feelings become “bad” because you grew up in an environment where they were neglected or ignored.
If you’re hearing about childhood emotional neglect for the first time, you’re not alone. Webb notes in an interview with New England Psychologist that “psychology often overlooks emotional neglect. It gets lumped in with emotional abuse and physical neglect. It’s difficult to focus on this as a separate experience with its own validity and effects.”
The complicated part about CEN is that it’s not something you can see, like a child’s bruised cheek or hear, like a grumbling tummy. As a child, you’re often blissfully unaware it’s happening. As an adult, you might struggle to recall specific instances because it was just the norm for your upbringing. CEN is an invisible force that often goes unnoticed until symptoms bubble to the surface years later.
After reading through the list of CEN symptoms, I recognized so much of myself. Many individuals affected by childhood emotional neglect numb their feelings, sense something is missing, and tend to be perfectionists who are easily overwhelmed and sensitive to rejection. When I reviewed the symptoms, I found I matched all but two.
Yet, I struggled to accept that I had been neglected by my parents. Given my background, it seemed improbable. Materially, I had everything I needed and much of what I desired. We lived in nice homes, enjoyed healthy meals, and took summer vacations every year. I attended good schools, played sports, and hung out with friends. On the surface, my family appeared happy and successful.
But there’s more to the story. My dad traveled frequently for work and was often worn out and strict when he was home. I tried hard to be the “good girl,” excelling in school, caring for my younger sibling, and staying quiet at home. My mom was a stay-at-home parent for most of my childhood, but she struggled with unhappiness and was later diagnosed with depression. There were days when she barely got out of bed. No one asked me about school or how I felt about my friends, teachers, or classes. When I visited my friends’ houses and their moms asked about our day, I thought it was strange and invasive.
It turns out that the ways my parents engaged with me reflect two of the five parenting styles commonly associated with emotional neglect: authoritarian and absent. The other three styles include permissive, narcissistic, and perfectionist.
After thoroughly examining childhood emotional neglect, I came to terms with the fact that I had been affected by it. I was heartbroken—no child wants to believe their parents unintentionally caused them harm—but I also felt a sense of relief. Finally, I had an explanation for the emptiness I often felt. The good news is that healing from childhood emotional neglect is possible. Recognizing your emotional needs and believing you deserve to have them met is crucial.
Having clarity around my emotional struggles brings me hope, not just for myself, but also for my kids. Understanding what I missed as a child makes me more aware of my children’s emotional needs. This is not always easy. Their emotions can be intense, and my instinct might be to shy away from the chaos, but I push myself to stay present. I know they deserve empathy and love, and even when I feel overwhelmed, I strive to validate their feelings.
It may sound simple, and many parents might find it comes naturally. For me, it’s a challenge—one I’m committed to facing so that my children never doubt their self-worth.
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Summary
Childhood emotional neglect can lead to feelings of numbness, self-doubt, and a lack of emotional connection. Understanding this condition provides clarity and hope for healing, emphasizing the importance of recognizing and validating emotions, especially in parenting.