Realizing that you grew up with a narcissistic parent can feel like discovering a plot twist in a movie you thought you had figured out. You might spend years believing that you were the one at fault—that you weren’t enough, that you were broken, or that you were incapable of giving or receiving love. But here’s the kicker: narcissistic parents see relationships as a means to fuel their own needs. They often belittle those around them to maintain a sense of superiority, even when it comes to their own children.
Once the lightbulb goes off and you realize that it was your parent’s duty to nurture and uplift you (and that they were incapable of doing so), it can be liberating. You might think, “Hang on a minute, I was awesome all along! I had so much to offer and deserved a whole lot better.” But with that realization often comes a period of grief as you confront the hurt your parent inflicted. Eventually, though, you can begin healing, learning to love yourself, and prioritizing relationships with those who genuinely appreciate you.
What Happens If Your Narcissistic Parent Is Still in Your Life?
That’s where it gets tricky. These parents often cling to their adult children, trying to maintain control like a toddler with a favorite toy. You might find them constantly ringing your phone, meddling in every decision, or setting unreasonable expectations for the people you bring into your life. They may even resort to manipulation tactics, whether through guilt, money, or emotional blackmail. In essence, they really struggle to “cut the cord,” which can leave you feeling disheartened long after you’ve left the nest.
So, What Can You Do?
For some, the best option is to “break up” with their toxic parent, especially if the relationship is consistently damaging to their mental health. Ending a relationship with a narcissistic parent is a deeply personal choice and varies from person to person. Many who reach this point have invested time and energy in trying to improve the relationship, only to realize it’s unlikely to change. It can be a long and exhausting journey.
For others, the idea of cutting ties might feel too drastic. If you want to try to maintain the relationship while protecting your mental well-being, setting clear boundaries is crucial. Yes, you heard that right: boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries!
You need to communicate what’s acceptable in terms of their behavior and your needs. Define how involved they can be in your life, how often you’ll communicate, and what interactions are off-limits. Finally, it’s your turn to take charge and prioritize your own comfort and mental health.
But here’s the catch: your narcissistic parent isn’t going to take this well. Be prepared for pushback. Boundaries threaten their sense of control, and they may react dramatically. This is where you’ll need to lean into self-love and remind yourself of your worth. Your needs matter, and it’s okay to assert them.
If your parent responds negatively, it might be helpful to have some prepared statements to deflect their attacks. You could say something like, “I’m sorry this upsets you, but my needs are important, and I hope you can respect them.” Alternatively, you might choose a firmer approach: “I’ve stated my needs, and this conversation is closed.” The key is to keep it brief and assertive.
Sometimes, you’ll need to repeat your boundaries multiple times before they sink in. In some cases, walking away—either temporarily or permanently—might be the healthiest option for you. And that’s perfectly okay. Your well-being is paramount, and if the relationship is toxic, it might be time to cut ties.
Having a support network while navigating these changes is crucial. A trusted friend or partner can provide invaluable support, and professional help from a therapist can be a game-changer. Remember, you didn’t choose to be born into a family with a narcissistic parent. However, you have the power every day to embrace the amazing person you are and to seek the love and respect you deserve.
You are more resilient than you think, and you’ve got this!
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