The first time I was confronted with the question of whether anyone had ever violated my personal space was when I was 21. By that point, I had been in therapy for various issues—including anxiety, depression, and more—for over eight years. I was taken aback by the question and replied honestly, “Yes, which time do you want to discuss?”
While the specifics aren’t the focus, I certainly have a deep understanding of this issue. Throughout my journey, I’ve met countless others who share similar experiences.
No matter their age, it’s essential to directly ask your children if they’ve ever faced abuse. You need to approach this conversation head-on and be prepared for any response. Why? Because without that initiative, they might never open up to you. They may bury their experiences deep inside.
I kept my own traumas silent for nearly a decade, even while seeking help from various therapists and counselors. My parents thought they understood my struggles and were providing the right support, but no one asked the critical questions. They didn’t delve deeper than surface-level issues like anxiety and sadness. The immense shame and guilt I felt kept me from speaking out.
While some children and teens bravely report their experiences to trusted adults, the majority remain silent. Sometimes they confide in someone who dismisses their claims or even perpetuates their pain. I learned this the hard way. After my first assault, I reached out to a friend who accused me of seeking attention, and I never spoke of it again. For years, I found myself in increasingly harmful situations, believing I deserved the abuse I endured. Predators often target those who are already vulnerable.
Adults—parents, teachers, and friends—often misinterpret signs of distress. They might chalk up a child’s mood swings or sudden behavioral changes to typical childhood phases. So how can you really know what’s going on? You ask.
As a mother to a 2-year-old, I wish I could shield her from the harsh realities of the world, including the possibility of abuse. I don’t want her to live in fear of sleepovers or feel uncomfortable around trusted adults. However, my greater fear is remaining oblivious to whether she has been hurt. I want to ensure she never feels too ashamed or guilty to share her experiences with me.
I will ask her directly if anyone makes her feel scared or uncomfortable. I will emphasize that it’s never okay for an adult to have secrets with her. I’ll explain the difference between “okay touches” and “not-okay touches.” She’ll learn that she has the right to refuse hugs or kisses, even from family. I’ll encourage her to set boundaries regarding her own body and ensure that I’m always informed if those boundaries are violated.
As she grows, I’ll continue to check in with her. I’ll ask if she’s ever felt pressured, if things have gone too far, or if she’s uncertain about a situation. I want to normalize these discussions, so she feels comfortable approaching me with anything.
Don’t let awkwardness or fear stop you from asking your kids the tough questions. Just do it.
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Summary
It’s vital for parents to have open conversations with their children about abuse. By directly asking them about their experiences and feelings, we create a safe space for them to share if something troubling has occurred. This proactive approach can help prevent silence and shame, ensuring that our children know they can always talk to us.