We often hear that we deserve better than emotional abuse, but recognizing it in action can be elusive. Society has provided us with less-than-stellar relationship models, from our own families to the portrayals we see in sitcoms and comedies. We witness couples treating each other poorly and, somehow, we normalize it. But let’s be clear: you absolutely deserve better than name-calling and aggression.
Let’s dive into a tale I like to call “the one guy I had to kick out of the bar.” This is about a guy who lashed out at his girlfriend for simply ordering a drink. Picture this: it’s a chaotic Saturday night, and a group of friends stumbles to the bar. The first guy, let’s call him Chad, leans over the counter like he owns the place. When I ask if he needs anything, he dismissively shakes his head.
No biggie. I move on, and one of the women in the group orders a round. Suddenly, Chad erupts, shouting, “Really?!” at her. She looks taken aback but nods. I go get their drinks, and when I return, he’s still at it, yelling “Really? Really?!” in that obnoxious way only a drunk abuser can manage.
Note: it’s vital to understand that it’s always the “drunk abuser,” not an “abusive drunk.” If someone is only abusive when they drink, they’re still abusive. Chad escalates, barking, “Go for it, then! Line ‘em up, motherfucker!”
At this point, I decide enough is enough. I step in, practically dragging him out back and saying, “That’s enough! This isn’t okay! Either cut it out, or get out!” He leaves, still scowling, but at least I made my point.
When I handed the girl her tab, I leaned in and said, “Hey, you don’t deserve that. I know it’s not my place, but no matter what happened tonight, you deserve better.”
You deserve more than feeling like you have to tolerate that kind of treatment. Emotional abusers rely on your belief that you deserve their behavior to keep you trapped. They’ll manipulate you into thinking it’s your fault. They might play the victim or intimidate you into submission. They want you to feel like you’re the problem.
But even if they say things that hurt, you deserve a partner who communicates like a grown-up, who can discuss disagreements without tearing you down. There’s no need to belittle someone to express discomfort, whether it’s about their actions or something as trivial as drink orders.
It’s easy to lose sight of the truth in these situations. We might tell ourselves, “He’s a nice guy,” or “It’s not that bad.” But those thoughts don’t matter. You could have a partner who excels in many areas and still be subjected to emotional abuse.
Here’s a crucial lesson: abusers will occasionally show kindness because they need to keep you hooked. They’ll throw you the occasional bone to maintain the illusion that they care. They want to keep you yearning for those sporadic acts of affection, making you feel like you have to earn their kindness. But kindness should be the default in any healthy relationship, not a reward.
If your partner treats strangers with more respect than they treat you, something is seriously wrong. Basic human decency should be a given, not a rarity. They should treat you well, not just when they’re in a good mood or feeling generous.
In her essay “A Good Partner Is Hard to Find,” Kayleigh shares a poignant moment when she asked a friend how much emotional abuse was acceptable. The friend replied, “In a loving relationship, abuse is unacceptable. You should not have to tolerate any abuse to be loved.”
Let’s be crystal clear: love and abuse cannot coexist. The two are fundamentally incompatible. As bell hooks eloquently states, “Abuse and neglect negate love. Care and affirmation, the opposite of abuse and humiliation, are the foundation of love.”
You deserve to walk away from any relationship that makes you feel less than cherished. People like Chad might take a break from their behavior, but they rarely change for good.
You deserve love—real love, not emotional warfare. You deserve kindness, consideration, and basic human decency. These are the bare minimums, and you should never settle for less.
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In summary, recognizing emotional abuse is critical for your well-being and happiness. You deserve a partner who treats you with respect and kindness at all times, not someone who manipulates or belittles you.