You’ve probably heard a familiar lament from one of your married pals: “We’re not having as much sex anymore.” This sentiment feeds right into the age-old stereotype that marriage equals a decline in sexual activity. And let’s be honest, there’s some truth to it. As the whirlwind of romance settles down, so does that initial fervor.
Add kids into the mix, and it often feels like someone hit the brakes on the libido express, especially for moms. New mothers frequently face a substantial dip in sexual desire due to the aftermath of childbirth, hormonal roller coasters, and the unrelenting exhaustion that comes with caring for a newborn.
While we recognize that welcoming a new baby can dramatically shift a couple’s relationship (including their sex life), society seems to think new moms should just power through. When a new mother shares her reduced interest in sex, she’s often met with well-meaning but misguided advice like, “Just give it a try, you’ll feel better!” But what if that doesn’t work? What if she really isn’t in the mood?
It’s baffling how some people seem to think a husband has ownership over his wife’s body. The idea that he is entitled to sex—oral or otherwise—just because they’re married is an outdated notion rooted in misogyny. From a young age, many men are taught that women should be ready to satisfy their desires, even when they’re not “in the mood,” because, apparently, a husband’s intimacy hinges on sex.
This archaic view can be incredibly damaging. When a married mom isn’t up for it, she’s often tagged as “cold” or “selfish,” and people—even therapists—may speculate about her mental state, wondering if she has unresolved trauma. It’s downright disturbing to think anyone would force a woman into sex against her will, married or not. Suggesting that married women should just “suck it up” amounts to sexual coercion. If a husband pushes this point, that’s not just bad advice, it’s a serious violation.
When married women are criticized for not satisfying their husbands’ sexual needs, it reinforces a damaging societal message: a man’s desires matter more than a woman’s comfort. Traditionalists often argue that sex is essential for a happy marriage, sometimes referencing the concept of “love languages.” While physical intimacy can be an important aspect of relationships, it should never be a tool for manipulation.
Forcing intimacy is harmful and should never be justified. It’s crucial to recognize that mismatched libidos are common and influenced by a myriad of factors—stress, sleep, hormonal changes, and even the demands of parenting.
After giving birth, women are often expected to jump back into sexual activity as if they haven’t just gone through a life-altering experience. The reality is much different, and many new moms need time to heal—both physically and emotionally. Not to mention, the hormonal fluctuations that come with a menstrual cycle can further complicate a woman’s desire for intimacy.
So why is society so quick to prioritize a man’s sexual needs over a woman’s? What about the support women need to feel desired and sexy? Married mothers often bear the brunt of household responsibilities, leaving them exhausted and “touched out.” How can they possibly feel frisky when they’re juggling so many tasks?
Instead of insisting that married moms should just “get it over with,” let’s encourage partners to contribute to a nurturing environment that fosters desire. Respecting a woman’s choices and her body is paramount, and consent should always be central—even in marriage.
The truth is, no one should feel pressured to engage in sexual activity against their will. It’s time to shift the conversation and support women in their choices, rather than shaming them for taking a break. If you want to learn more about home insemination and related topics, check out this excellent resource.
In summary, the conversation around sex in marriage needs to change. It’s important to recognize the complexities of desire and to prioritize mutual respect and understanding. For more insights, visit this blog.