As I entered a friend’s home with my children, a warm greeting awaited us at the door. I smiled and said, “Hi!” My teenage and preteen daughters chimed in with cheerful “Hello!” and “Good morning!” However, our 7-year-old son slipped in behind me, remaining silent.
My friend greeted him by name and inquired about his well-being. He proceeded to remove his shoes and turned to me with an unrelated question, completely ignoring our friend’s greeting. “She said ‘hello’ to you, sweetheart,” I gently prompted, trying to steer him towards a response. Reluctantly, he mumbled a quick “Hi,” barely making eye contact before darting off into the house.
I know how it appears: rude. One might wonder if anyone has taught him proper manners. The reality is that we have instilled courtesy in our children, but each has grappled with significant shyness in their formative years. Unfortunately, this shyness can often be misinterpreted as rudeness, particularly by those who have never experienced it.
While I’m not shy as an adult, I can empathize with my son’s situation, as I too was once painfully shy. For those who haven’t experienced it, it’s difficult to understand. Imagine being thrust onto a stage before a large audience, unprepared, with everyone expecting you to speak. Now, imagine that feeling of discomfort, nervousness, and even fear occurring regularly for a shy child when approached by others.
Shy children often learn to mask their discomfort. They might manage to appear somewhat composed while internally battling feelings of anxiety. A simple “hi” can take every ounce of courage they possess to utter. They may even wave, but if eye contact is made, the pressure can lead them to quickly seek distraction, whether by giggling, making odd sounds, hiding behind a parent, or simply running away.
This may sound overly dramatic, but for shy kids, even everyday interactions can feel monumental. They may be hyper-aware of their surroundings, requiring time to adjust before engaging socially. The reality is that when a shy child seems to overlook someone, they are acutely aware but overwhelmed by their internal struggle.
I’m uncertain about the root causes of shyness—perhaps it stems from mild social anxiety or heightened sensitivity to social dynamics. What I do know is that I experienced it and eventually managed to overcome it through practice and gentle encouragement. As I grew older, I realized that being shy was more uncomfortable than simply interacting with others; this realization didn’t fully come until my tween years.
While my daughters have largely moved past their shyness, I trust that our son will follow suit in due time. One of the most beneficial things my parents did was to allow me to be shy without shame, which ultimately helped me grow out of it. My husband and I adopt a similar approach with our kids; we stress the importance of responding when spoken to, yet we remain understanding of their challenges. We emphasize making eye contact and using confident body language, and we’ve practiced various social scenarios at home.
Our children take pride in introducing themselves with confidence, but some days are harder than others. Overcoming shyness is a considerable hurdle that takes time and practice.
A helpful strategy for everyone interacting with shy children, regardless of their understanding of shyness, is to refrain from pressuring them to engage. A simple smile and acknowledgment can go a long way. Instead of asking how they are, perhaps say, “It’s nice to see you!” and leave it at that. It’s essential to avoid taking their lack of interaction personally; it truly isn’t a reflection of their feelings towards you.
Most importantly, please don’t label them as impolite or ill-mannered. Such a label would have devastated me as a shy child who desperately wanted to please others. Understanding the monumental effort it takes for some kids just to make eye contact and say “hi” can shift perspective. They are not being rude; they are simply navigating their shyness.
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In summary, understanding and compassion are crucial when interacting with shy children. They face their own internal battles that may manifest as apparent rudeness, but with patience and support, they can grow and find their voices.