I’m No Longer Afraid of Disappointing Men

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In the past, my partner often expressed his dissatisfaction through sighs. These sounds would escape him even when everything appeared fine. Each sigh felt like a faint accusation, a whisper of discontent that I couldn’t ignore. It became a source of tension in our home, prompting me to always ask, “What’s wrong?” His typical response was to brush it off as inconsequential. Yet, for me, these sighs felt like a deep-seated indictment of my worth — an echo of the societal conditioning that teaches women their value is tied to the satisfaction of others.

I realized that my fear of disappointing him extended beyond my partner. While running errands, I would go out of my way to avoid triggering my son’s disappointment at missing playtime. Even when I was overwhelmed and needed space, I would acquiesce to his demands for closeness, fearing that any rejection could lead to feelings of abandonment. My apprehension even extended to my sons as I worried they might one day see me as disposable if I failed to meet their needs.

These trepidations are not unfounded. For many, especially Black women, the repercussions of disappointing those in privileged positions can be severe. Black women are often scapegoated for failing societal expectations, facing harsh judgments whether they prioritize personal needs or diverge from traditional family structures. Furthermore, the intersectionality of race and gender amplifies the stakes; the experiences of LGBTQ Black women can be particularly fraught with danger when deviating from cisgender, heterosexual norms. Disappointed white women, in their quest for service, have historically placed undue burdens on Black women, impacting their livelihoods.

In a broader sense, women are socialized to derive their worth from how well they cater to others. We are inundated with messages that our ability to please equates to power. Popular culture perpetuates the image of a woman who can manipulate men through her charm and allure. However, what happens when she can no longer fulfill those expectations? What happens when her needs contradict her role as a caregiver? The truth is, many unlikable men retain their power, while women often find theirs diminished when they are perceived as undesirable.

Consequently, many women become hyper-vigilant, anticipating needs before they are expressed, constantly tidying up potential messes. This perpetual state of readiness can lead to being labeled as neurotic or overly anxious, while men often remain blissfully unaware of the emotional labor women undertake to shield them from discomfort. Some men live in a cocoon of comfort crafted by the women around them, oblivious to the effort it takes to maintain that environment.

Recently, after a particularly exhausting day with my children, I endeavored to clean our home. While I was on my hands and knees clearing away toys, my son quickly undid my efforts, leading to a moment of clarity. I realized I needed to allow him to experience disappointment instead of shielding him from it.

The goal isn’t to avoid disappointing my sons but to instill in them the ability to cope with their own feelings of disappointment. It is essential for their emotional growth — and mine. Empowering them to navigate their feelings rather than relying on me for constant validation will ultimately benefit everyone involved. It’s crucial to teach them that my needs are valid and to occasionally say “not now” when they want something.

I must also learn to stop apologizing for asserting my boundaries and expressing my needs. This includes letting go of my anxiety over my partner’s sighs or my children’s tantrums. If I wish to cultivate a life where I feel secure and empowered, I must prioritize my own needs over the fear of disappointing others.

Embracing this change means accepting that I may be viewed as unlikable when I prioritize myself — a familiar experience for many Black women. If this is the path I must take to assert my right to exist in the world fully, then so be it. I will embrace my autonomy, even if it leaves a trail of disappointed expectations behind me.

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Summary:

This article discusses the societal pressures women face regarding disappointment, particularly Black women, and the impact on their self-worth. It explores the necessity of teaching both sons and oneself to embrace disappointment as part of emotional growth. Ultimately, the piece emphasizes the importance of prioritizing personal needs and boundaries, even at the risk of being deemed unlikable.