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I’m Not Relying on My Partner to Alleviate My Mental Burden
I recently discovered that our lawn had become a jungle, completely overgrown and unruly. My partner, Jake, mentioned he had been trying to find time to mow it for weeks, while I was blissfully unaware of its deteriorating state. How did we end up here? Simply put, I have zero interest in the lawn, so its upkeep doesn’t even register on my radar.
Lately, I’ve encountered numerous articles discussing emotional labor and the mental burdens often shouldered by women. I sometimes feel the urge to share these with Jake, not to make him feel guilty or suggest he isn’t contributing enough—he certainly does a lot. Instead, I share them as a means of seeking acknowledgment for my exhaustion, as an explanation for my forgetfulness, and why I sometimes need a moment to myself after a long day. Sharing these articles helps me feel understood.
I don’t expect my mental load to be handed off to someone else; it simply isn’t feasible. Unless I want to take on even more responsibility by coordinating schedules, groceries, and to-do lists, my mental load isn’t going anywhere. But honestly, that doesn’t bother me because I know I’m not the only one handling this burden in our relationship.
I view our partnership as equitable. Jake actively shares household responsibilities and has never complained about it. We don’t keep a strict record of who does what; we both recognize what needs to be done, and it gets taken care of, one way or another. If I haven’t done the dishes, he’ll step in, and vice versa.
I consider myself fortunate. According to my informal survey of friends, I’m surrounded by individuals whose partners seem indifferent to chores, cooking, and even basic caregiving. I know women whose spouses have never touched a laundry basket or changed a diaper.
When I feel overwhelmed or forgetful, Jake understands the reasons behind it. He does what he can to ease my burden because he knows I’m also working hard to support him. Our marriage isn’t a 50/50 split; it’s a full 100% from both sides, merging our contributions to meet each other’s needs.
Has Jake ever spontaneously grabbed a toilet brush and scrubbed the bathroom like royalty might? No, but if I ask him, he’s quick to assist. The mental effort of requesting help with chores is far less daunting than doing everything myself. Asking for assistance is as straightforward as requesting a prescription refill from my doctor or asking a waiter for extra napkins. They know I need these things, and asking ensures I get what I require without any added stress.
While I may not care about the lawn’s state, and Jake doesn’t notice the shine of our toilet, we each prioritize different aspects of our lives. My mental load is significant, yet I understand that Jake is also fully invested in our partnership. Occasionally, I might share an article with him to remind him of the many thoughts swirling in my mind, but I also recognize the mental relief he provides by taking care of his share of things. If the burden becomes too much, asking for help is a small price to pay.
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In summary, navigating the mental load in relationships requires open communication and shared responsibilities. Acknowledging and discussing these loads can lead to a more balanced partnership where both individuals thrive.