As my partner, Alex, returned home from the pharmacy, he slammed the door, visibly upset. The cashier had made an offhand comment about my purchases, cheerfully asking, “Is this a good thing?”
Alex’s frustration was palpable, but it was the anguish in his eyes that struck me most. I had sent him out to buy several pregnancy tests after putting our children to bed, hoping against hope that they would confirm I was not pregnant. Yet, I knew that until my period arrived, I would continue to test — each time I went to the bathroom, my mind racing. I hadn’t yet contacted a clinic or even started a search online, but deep down, I was prepared to schedule an abortion the moment I saw a positive result.
Throughout our marriage, we had navigated two pregnancies and welcomed three children, the youngest being just four years old. While another child could undoubtedly find a place in our hearts and family, the physical toll of pregnancy weighed heavily on my mind. I was acutely aware of what pregnancy would entail: bed rest, anemia, debilitating pain, the likelihood of a pre-term C-section, the risk of postpartum depression, and — most alarmingly — cancer.
Many are familiar with the standard precautions during pregnancy: avoiding raw fish, deli meats, soft cheeses, and cat litter. What isn’t widely understood is the reasoning behind these restrictions.
Pregnancy transforms a woman’s body fundamentally. It’s not merely a matter of accommodating another person; it’s a complete overhaul in which the body is restructured to nurture a new life. Hormones alter the brain, physical changes occur in the bones and lymphatic system, and the immune system adapts.
One crucial change is the suppression of the immune system to prevent it from rejecting the developing fetus. This suppression can heighten the risk of infections like toxoplasmosis, commonly found in cat feces. Moreover, while a healthy immune system can keep atypical cells from multiplying into cancers, a pregnant immune system may not be as effective.
While anti-abortion activists often assert that abortions can raise the risk of breast cancer, the reality is that pregnancy itself can increase the risk of various cancers, including breast, cervical, Hodgkin’s disease, and leukemia. For me, the concern is melanoma. Although such cancers during pregnancy are relatively rare, they pose a serious risk.
During my last pregnancy, I had six moles removed that were either cancerous or precancerous, along with several polyps from my colon. The thought of melanoma potentially lurking in my body while pregnant filled me with dread.
My family has already been affected by cancer, and we are conscious of the efforts society makes to minimize cancer risks. We avoid harmful substances and advocate for awareness and research. However, none of these efforts would shield my family if my pregnancy test showed a positive result.
In a moment of silence, Alex and I exchanged glances, each contemplating the weight of what lay ahead. He likely wished we had considered a tubal ligation during my last C-section, and I reflected on a friend’s wife who had succumbed to cancer just months after giving birth. Despite her past as a survivor, her cancer had returned during her pregnancy, ultimately claiming her life shortly after childbirth.
While no method of birth control is foolproof, Alex had undergone a vasectomy, which faced complications raising the risk of reattachment. My medical condition rendered hormonal birth control unsafe, and I also had a copper allergy. Even with precautions like the pill or an IUD, pregnancies can still occur — the odds may be low but they are never zero.
As Alex dropped the bag of pregnancy tests on the coffee table, he swore quietly about the overly optimistic cashier. I squeezed his hand, feeling the tension in the air.
We could likely manage another child if I didn’t face the prospect of leaving my job due to health complications. We would undoubtedly cherish another child, but the question remained: for how long? How long until the aggressive cancer, which thrived only in my pregnant body, took hold again?
My children rely on me in a way that is irreplaceable. They need my support, love, and presence — the assurance that they are safe and secure. I have always strived to be a good parent, and I could not bear the thought of making them endure the pain of losing me to a preventable illness.
In reality, many women in their 30s find themselves in similar situations, weighing the challenges of another pregnancy against their existing family dynamics. The current healthcare provisions often fail to consider scenarios like mine, where a pregnancy might not pose an immediate danger but could lead to devastating consequences.
The truth is, I am just like every woman anxiously watching for those two lines on a pregnancy test. We love our children deeply, yet the idea of having to terminate a pregnancy due to potential health risks is far less terrifying than the thought of abandoning our existing children forever. Being a good mother should not require sacrificing my life to bring another child into the world.
As Alex settled onto the couch beside me, he offered me a box of cookies — a small comfort in our shared uncertainty. Even if my health were not at risk, even if the new baby wouldn’t require medical intervention, the reality of adding another child to our family could still disrupt the delicate balance we had achieved.
What if we weren’t equipped to raise another child? What if the demands of a new baby led to neglecting the needs of my older children? What if I struggled with postpartum depression, making it difficult to bond with a new child? The what-ifs loomed large in my mind.
Alex placed his arm around me, and I felt a mix of reassurance and heartbreak. I was a mother, yet I was navigating a complex decision that weighed heavily on my heart. Nobody said motherhood would be easy, but I never anticipated it would be this hard.
For further information on the complexities of pregnancy and home insemination, the CDC provides excellent resources, which can be found here. Additionally, for those interested in enhancing fertility, consider exploring this authority on the topic.
In summary, the decision to terminate a potential pregnancy can be fraught with emotion and complexity, especially for those of us who have already navigated the challenges of motherhood and health issues. It is critical to acknowledge that every woman’s situation is unique, and the choice to have an abortion can stem from a profound desire to protect existing family dynamics and personal well-being.