Trigger Warning: Child Loss
The journey through loss is undeniably excruciating. There’s no other way to articulate the profound grief that accompanies the loss of a child.
Just over two years ago, my partner and I embarked on the IVF journey. After months filled with injections, medications, and relentless medical examinations, the doctors were finally ready to begin the delicate process of creating life. We received daily updates and images of our embryos, which eventually led to the successful implantation of two embryos. After a long nine months, we joyfully welcomed our son, Ethan.
Following this, we grappled with the decision regarding our remaining embryo, which was frozen and awaiting its fate. We often found ourselves reflecting on the pictures of our embryos, engaging in conversations about our options. Earlier this year, we resolved to bring our little girl home. However, the process was far from straightforward. The initial stages of treatment seemed to go smoothly, yet complications arose after the implantation.
Initially, we were informed that our baby wasn’t developing as expected, and the devastating news came that we had lost her. I received that heart-wrenching call. The doctors suggested scheduling a D&C immediately, but I pleaded for a week to seek a second opinion. Despite their reservations, they granted us this brief reprieve. In that week, we were engulfed in despair, praying fervently for our daughter.
On October 31, we returned for a follow-up appointment, feeling emotionally drained yet cautiously optimistic. During the ultrasound, the nurse was taken aback to find a heartbeat—a miraculous turn of events. Words cannot convey the overwhelming emotion of hearing that tiny heart beating against all odds. We were advised to remain cautiously optimistic, and as weeks passed, her heartbeat grew stronger.
On November 13, we saw a specialist. The day oscillated between elation and despair. We heard our daughter’s heartbeat, which raced at 152 beats per minute, vibrant and strong. However, the doctor then revealed alarming news: our baby was developing dangerously low in the uterus, which posed severe risks to both her and my partner. He suggested immediate termination if Amber was to have any chance of survival. The abrupt shift from joy to such a devastating choice was unfathomable.
After leaving the office, I will never forget Amber’s words: “So I have a few months to live. What the heck do I do with that?” It was an unthinkable reality, compounded by the strength of our baby’s heartbeat echoing in our minds.
Things took a turn for the worse. One evening, as we sat down for dinner, Amber excused herself to check on Ethan. Moments later, I heard her cries. I rushed upstairs to find her in distress. We hurried to the emergency room, where we faced the grim reality of losing a child. Sometimes, there’s no clear explanation for miscarriage—despite expert opinions and fervent prayers, loss can occur without warning. While miscarriages occur in about 20% of pregnancies, our situation seemed to defy the odds.
Ultimately, no matter how much we search for answers, we are left with grief and uncertainty. The emotional toll is immense, and as men, we often feel compelled to remain strong while grappling with our own heartbreak.
In the midst of our sorrow, Amber called me out for not expressing my feelings. Instead of allowing myself to grieve openly, I was trying to hold everything together, which wasn’t the right approach. Here are some insights I’ve gained about supporting a partner through this harrowing journey:
1. Give Yourself Time to Grieve.
It’s essential to allow yourself to feel your emotions. You may think of yourself as strong, but you are also human. Both partners need to grieve together, embracing the pain rather than hiding from it.
2. Provide Reassurance.
It’s common for both partners to question their roles in the loss. Remind each other that this is not anyone’s fault. We created a loving environment for our child, and that is what matters.
3. Show Love Simply.
During this painful time, be a consistent source of love. Even if it feels one-sided at times, affirm your commitment to one another.
4. Honor and Celebrate.
We witnessed the entire journey of our child’s life, and we chose to honor her by bringing her home. Finding ways to remember and celebrate her existence can be healing.
5. Expect Well-Meaning but Misguided Comments.
People often don’t know what to say, and their attempts can be frustrating. Be prepared to gently shield your partner from these comments.
6. Consider Counseling.
Navigating grief is challenging, and seeking professional help can provide valuable support.
7. Commit for the Long Haul.
Understand that this loss will impact your lives for years to come. Make it clear to your partner that you are in this together, no matter what lies ahead.
In the end, on November 16, 2017, we welcomed our daughter, whom we named Sophie Rose, into the world not as we had envisioned, but she was ours nonetheless. In that moment of profound sadness, the only gift we could give her was the love that went into creating a resting place she deserved.
As I continue to navigate this painful journey, I hope my reflections can provide comfort to others facing similar experiences. For additional information on coping with infertility and child loss, consider exploring resources like Mount Sinai’s comprehensive guide on infertility.
Summary
Navigating the loss of a child is a profound and painful experience that demands emotional openness and support from both partners. This article shares a father’s journey through grief, highlighting the importance of allowing oneself to grieve, reassuring each other, and finding ways to remember and celebrate the life of a child lost too soon.