Dear Past Self,
You are about to receive news that you’ve sensed might come. Since that ultrasound revealed indicators for Down syndrome, you’ve dreaded this moment—the call that will find you on the cold floor of your new home’s tiled bathroom, overwhelmed and vulnerable.
As you sob and struggle to articulate your feelings to your mom, memories will flood your mind: the young girl who felt uneasy around a teenage boy at a hotel pool, that drunken college photo where a friend remarked you looked like you had ‘Downs,’ and the time you told your mother-in-law that while you admired her son’s bond with children who have special needs, you believed you lacked the capability to parent a child with such needs.
Well, here you are—about to become that parent. Everything feels shattered, but what you don’t realize is that this child inside you is working to realign your life. The parts of you that you loathe will be transformed through his presence.
The doctor you’re going to meet will predict that your son’s greatest aspiration might be to clean floors in a fast-food restaurant. You’ll buy into this notion for a time, grieving deeply as you navigate the darkest moments of your life. There will be nights spent on the shower floor, and mornings will bring a crushing realization that it wasn’t just a nightmare; the sunlight pouring through your windows will only deepen your despair.
But then, a new part of you will emerge—one that you cherish. While you might not be able to utilize your journalism degree in the small town where you live, you will find ways to channel that energy into your new reality.
You will discover the benefits of inclusion in schools, learn about college opportunities for young adults with Down syndrome, and connect with a fellow mother who will guide you to the Down Syndrome Diagnosis Network—an organization dedicated to reshaping the experience of receiving such a diagnosis.
Right now, the pain you feel is heartbreaking, but I assure you, I wouldn’t take it away. This grief will fuel new passions within you. You once told the stories of others; now you have your own poignant narrative to share. Your journey will resonate with thousands who seek your encouragement, and it will propel you toward advocacy work—volunteering, taking disability courses, and writing to make a difference for families impacted by Down syndrome.
Your son will not be defined by his extra chromosome, and you will discover that you cannot become the person you were meant to be without him in your life. Many of your fears—about how this will affect your daughter, your ability to travel, or managing without family support—are unfounded. It won’t be easy; your life will grow busier with endless appointments, and you will find yourself stretched thin. Remember to reach out for help when necessary; this newfound busyness is for your son’s benefit and will ultimately refine your character.
On New Year’s Eve, you will welcome your precious boy into the world. His almond-shaped eyes will lock onto yours, and in that moment, everything will change. On that day, you will experience two births: the birth of your child and the rebirth of yourself.
Your life is not ending; instead, you are embarking on a new and enriching journey.
With love,
You—Three Years Later
For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy. If you’re curious about learning more about insemination options, visit this link. And for comprehensive insights into at-home insemination kits, make sure to check this out.
Summary
This heartfelt letter reflects on the emotional journey of a mother receiving a Down syndrome diagnosis for her unborn child. It explores the fears, pain, and eventual empowerment that leads to advocacy and a deeper understanding of the joys of parenting a child with special needs.