Recently, at bedtime, my incredibly bright 9-year-old son, Oliver, was sharing his experiences from recess. This particular tale involved a classmate named Jake, who was throwing pebbles and making threats with some sort of sports equipment. While several peers rallied around Oliver, he still felt unsettled. He expressed concern that Jake has significant issues, mentioning that he often “sabotages” his friendships. To my surprise, he concluded that he believes Jake might be autistic.
I listened closely to Oliver’s account, trying to suppress my frustration about the daily challenges of playground interactions. He noted that it was fortunate Jake was in a different class, as his own classroom might struggle to accommodate two children on the spectrum. Curious, I inquired if anyone in his class had autism. His response was simple yet profound: “Well, me, Mom. Haven’t you noticed?”
Indeed, I had noticed.
For years, I’ve grappled with this truth, caught in a cycle of internal debate rather than confronting the reality of my son, who shares his daily thoughts and emotions with me every night. I never anticipated he would possess such remarkable self-awareness.
Oliver shared that he began contemplating the possibility of being autistic two years ago after watching a documentary about Legos and their role in helping autistic children forge friendships. He recalled thinking, “Is that why I rely on Legos at school so much?” He has since watched additional documentaries and researched symptoms, concluding that he meets several diagnostic criteria, though not all of them.
He explained, “I get sarcasm but struggle with irony. I can’t handle the texture of fruit. I’m clumsy and terrible at sports. Making friends is a challenge for me, though I can often sense what others are thinking. The cafeteria smell bothers me, and making eye contact is tough. But I’m really into cars and worry a lot.”
Finally, I responded to him, for the first time, with honesty: “Yes, I have noticed.” He asked why I had never mentioned it, wondering if I believed he would be upset. I admitted, “I did wonder if that would make you sad.”
“Why?” he pressed.
Here lies the essence of his accuracy regarding his diagnosis. His inquiry stems from his neurodivergent perspective, which differs from my own. All these years of shielding him from this reality were more about my own fears than his needs.
What surprised me was how excited he was about this revelation. He mentioned that many of his role models, such as Elon Musk, who is innovating electric vehicles and addressing climate change, and Thomas Jefferson, noted for his brilliance and “shifty eyes,” are on the spectrum. He also brought up Mozart and Steve Jobs, individuals I deeply admire.
Parenting is a constant source of surprises. Oliver walked independently at 18 months, just as I was about to seek early intervention. Just as I began to fear he might never connect with others, he came home with a new best friend. Whenever I worried about his empathy, I witnessed him having a thoughtful conversation with his younger brother filled with kindness. And when I fretted over his introversion, he organized a charity 5K to support immigrant families.
The reality is that parenting often defies logic. Autism can be equally perplexing. Yet, when Oliver asserts that he is autistic, I recognize the truth in his words. Any contrary information merely enriches our understanding of his unique identity. His experience of autism is distinct, as no two individuals are alike, and a single label cannot encompass the diverse ways our brains develop.
What Oliver has truly illuminated for me is that avoiding painful truths is my own parenting flaw, while his strength lies in facing reality head-on. We are a team, and I had underestimated his ability to handle the truth of being on the spectrum. My neurotypical assumptions clouded my judgment, but by listening to our children, the answers we seek become clear.
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Summary:
In this reflection, a mother recounts her enlightening conversation with her 9-year-old son, Oliver, who diagnosed himself with autism. His self-awareness and understanding of his experiences offer valuable insights into parenting, highlighting the importance of listening to children and recognizing their unique perspectives.