Dec. 6, 2023
Photo by Rawpixel.com/Shutterstock
Last night, after dinner, as my kids darted off to play with the neighborhood friends or ride their bikes before bath time, I found myself alone with my nine-year-old daughter. Although I had dishes and laundry waiting, I recognized one of those rare moments when they could wait in favor of something much more important. Thus, I seized the opportunity to spend quality time with my daughter, just the two of us.
We cozied up on the couch and began to scroll through old Facebook photos and status updates—modern-day equivalents to flipping through family photo albums. I focused on the images that highlighted her, like the hilarious moment when she exclaimed, “Mom! I think I’m growing facial hair!” We laughed heartily, allowing me not only to reminisce about the adorable and funny little girl she used to be, but also to appreciate the witty and intelligent fourth grader she has become. She leaned against me, soaking up the undivided attention like a sponge. These moments were crucial for both of us.
Like many mothers with multiple children, I often struggle to have a meaningful conversation with one child without another interrupting with a question, a complaint, or a “Hey mom, look at this!” I suppose with four kids, this is expected—but it can be quite frustrating. If I had a dollar for every time I had to say, “Just a moment, please, I’m talking to your sister,” I could probably take a vacation somewhere nice. Each child wants a piece of me, and in the interest of simplicity (a term I use loosely), they are often treated as a collective unit: The Kids. We are taking The Kids to the zoo. We are taking The Kids to the park. The Kids need haircuts this weekend.
While our family unit is undeniably important, it’s easy to forget that it consists of individual personalities—each one requiring my attention. Not only does this connection help us bond, but it also allows me to appreciate their unique contributions to our family dynamic. They are like spices in a recipe, each adding distinct flavors to create a delightful dish, even if those flavors sometimes get overlooked. They need to feel acknowledged. They need to be listened to. They need to know I recognize their strengths.
Given that they often feel like a small flock of sheep, it can be challenging to ensure each child’s needs are met. However, I prioritize individual moments. When I make my children feel valued, it fosters their self-esteem and nurtures their emotional well-being—a priceless return on a small investment.
These special moments don’t have to be extensive to make a significant impact. I might take one of them grocery shopping, chatting as we fill the cart with a mountain of food that will disappear in days. One may help me prepare dinner. Or we might spend a few minutes shooting hoops in the driveway. Occasionally, I try to mix in larger outings, like a solo trip for ice cream.
At bedtime, I often sit on the edge of their beds for a few minutes, engaging in conversations about random topics. It’s amazing how talkative they become when stalling bedtime. These seemingly trivial moments become deposits in their emotional bank accounts. During these times, I learn about their lives in ways that become increasingly rare as they grow older and start responding to questions with one-word answers like “Fine.” It’s a safe space for them to express thoughts or ask questions they might not feel comfortable discussing in front of their siblings.
Tissue alert: there will come a day when they won’t be living with us anymore. One day, there will be no one vying for my attention. Our family unit will look different, scattered across various locations, and we’ll only gather during special occasions. While our family bond is vital, the individual bonds we share are even more crucial—because they won’t always have the whole family rallying around them, but they will know they can always come to me.
One-on-one time benefits my children, but it also enriches my own experience. Stripping away the chaos allows me to see them clearly. I connect with them on a deeper level, alternating between amazement and pride at the incredible individuals they are becoming. In those moments, I feel the kind of joy that makes motherhood everything I always envisioned it would be.
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Summary:
Individual attention is vital for children’s emotional well-being and self-esteem. Even short moments dedicated to one child can strengthen familial bonds and help parents appreciate each child’s unique character. Prioritizing one-on-one time allows for deeper connections and contributes positively to the overall family dynamic.