Hello, I’m 33 years old, and I find myself entangled in an abusive dynamic. This relationship is with my mother. It’s challenging to articulate how this situation unfolded—how we arrived at this point—but I have become a target of her psychological abuse.
You might be wondering: What did she say or do? What makes her behavior abusive? And why, as an adult, would I tolerate this? These are valid inquiries, especially since my mother never resorted to physical violence; she never struck me or crossed any physical boundaries.
We shared some good years and pleasant moments, yet here I am, grappling with the reality of our relationship. This is the perplexing nature of emotional abuse: it doesn’t begin with blatant aggression. Instead, it starts with affection, with charm, and it lures you into a deceptive sense of safety—this was my mother’s approach.
For years, I didn’t recognize her as an abuser or label her actions as abusive. However, with the clarity of hindsight, it’s evident that I have been subjected to abuse for most of my life.
My mother’s manipulative behaviors began subtly. In the early days, there were no violent outbursts or harsh words—just emotional games and psychological manipulation. “Mommy’s sad,” she would say, “You don’t want to make Mommy sad, do you? Help Mommy. Love Mommy. Stay with Mommy.”
Initially, these statements didn’t seem harmful. She didn’t appear to be abusive. However, as time progressed, her tactics shifted. While manipulation remained a cornerstone, she adopted the role of a classic abuser, wielding anger, resentment, and hostility against me, unleashing her contempt and disdain.
She insulted me, belittled me, and did everything possible to undermine my self-worth. I absorbed her negative words, believing I was foolish, unattractive, needy, and a complete failure. Eventually, she isolated me, restricting my social interactions. I couldn’t engage with friends, attend gatherings, or even enjoy simple outings—all of this contributed to a severely limited social life for years.
It wasn’t until my 18th birthday that I managed to escape, but I still didn’t fully grasp the extent of her abuse. I knew I despised her, but it wasn’t until I broke down in a therapist’s office recently that the truth dawned on me: “This needs to stop. She needs to stop. It feels like I’m in an abusive relationship with my 63-year-old mother.”
And that sobering realization hit me hard—I am still in that situation.
Understanding Psychological Abuse
Psychological abuse manifests in various forms. Some abusers isolate their victims, while others humiliate and demean them. Many engage in terror tactics like excessive teasing, yelling, and verbal threats. Yet, because the signs of psychological abuse are often elusive—lacking visible markers like bruises—many victims remain unaware of their suffering until it’s too late.
For years, I fought this invisible battle, not only against my mother but also within my mind. Emotional abuse transcends mere criticism; it is cold, cruel, and controlling, leaving profound, lasting effects on its victims. It can compromise self-esteem, distort self-image, and affect interpersonal relationships and mental health.
My experience with my mother stripped me of my power and voice early on. Today, I still grapple with issues stemming from this trauma, including anxiety and PTSD, which are burdens I carry daily. I can’t simply move on.
Steps Toward Healing
So what can be done? How can survivors unite to support one another and break this vicious cycle? The first step is conversation. We must speak out, support those still suffering by validating their experiences, and equip them with the tools needed to seek help. Most importantly, we must label these behaviors for what they are: abuse.
Psychological manipulation, emotional degradation, neglect, and humiliation all constitute abuse.
As I acknowledge my ongoing victimization, I am committed to seeking professional help. I’ve begun therapy to confront my pain, process my trauma, and reclaim my voice. I am learning to advocate for myself and establish boundaries that reflect self-respect. I am on a journey toward self-acceptance, determined to break free from this toxic relationship.
My love for my mother is complicated; I cherish the person she once was, but I refuse to maintain any connection with the abuser she has become. This decision is painful and filled with guilt, especially knowing her struggles—she too is a product of her own troubled upbringing and mental health issues. Yet, I recognize that I cannot change her; I can only change my own path.
A Message to Others
To anyone out there who relates—who sees their own experiences reflected in my story—know that healing is possible. With time, support, and self-compassion, you can emerge from this trauma stronger than before. You deserve it.
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In summary, acknowledging and addressing the impacts of psychological abuse is crucial for recovery. Establishing boundaries and seeking support are vital steps toward regaining autonomy and self-worth.